As a *shudder* Millenial, I know that I should probably “get” the whole concept of “triggers” more than I actually do, but my confusion isn’t completely shocking considering I have, in many respects, the personality of an irritable, 90 year old woman. While I completely understand and recognize the existence of things, situations, etc that are legitimately triggering for some individuals, I have some trouble wrapping my brain around some of the things that a lot of people my age (looking at you, fellow white, privileged, upper middle class twenty-somethings) say “trigger” them. Call me insensitive (you wouldn’t be the first to do so,and I’m certain you won’t be the last), but I just have no sympathy for people that claim they are now “triggered” by mundane things like ice cream because when they were 10, they dropped theirs and it upset them.  That all being said, it would be very out of character for me to pass up the opportunity to complain, so, I’ve decided to compile a list* of things that I personally find to be “triggering.”

• Excessive amounts of condiments (if it’s mayonnaise I am twice as triggered)
• “Vaping”
• Anything related/having to do with “The Minions”
• Stray, unidentifiable hairs. This probably stems from the time my mom and I were trapped in a Wyoming Days Inn because of a snow storm, and I found a short, curly hair in my bed, and then another, and another. A scene straight out of the classic fairy tale, “The Princess and The Pube..”
• People who use the word “squad” and the phrase “squad goals”
• Anne Coulter
• Grown adults who put unecessary “-ers” at the end of words. Particularly triggering example? “Yummers”
• The Bravo series “Gallery Girls” only lasting one season
• People saying that Beyonce is “overrated”
• Actual white feminist bridge troll Lena Dunham
• People who think Lena Dunham is a decent human being
• The word “journey” when it’s being used to describe anything to do with fashion, or some metaphorical “Eat, Pray, Love” bullshit
• Speaking of “Eat, Pray, Love” I find Julia Roberts laugh/general existence incredibly triggering.
• Middle aged women who are really into the “Fifty Shades of Grey” franchise
• Mouth breathers

*not a complete list