Category: music

What Happened to My Wig? Melodrama Happened.

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My hiatus from this blog has been long, and I’d apologize if I thought anyone gave even one iota of what the kids call, “a shit.” I could give a whole laundry list of excuses as to why, but really, at the end of the day, it really just boils down to the broad umbrella of “adulthood.” So, what could’ve possibly had the power to draw me out of hiatus? Lorde’s sophomore album, Melodrama, that’s what.

I don’t think I’ll quite every to be able to “fully process” the absolute wigging, I mean the actual SNATCHING of my hair straight down to the follicles that Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor (nope, you didn’t just have a stroke, that’s her full name!) aka Lorde aka supreme of the pop girl coven aka the alt queen aka a young, brunette Stevie Nicks delivered to me via Melodrama, but, there isn’t any time like the present to give the track by track breakdown of this album that exactly nobody asked for, so, *cracks knuckles,* let’s get into it, shall we?

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  1. Green Light- An absolute BOP. It’s one of those songs that when I’m elderly and slightly tipsy at a cookout, will start to play and I’ll stand my arthritic ass up as I look at my grandchildren and start to do some terribly caucasian geriatric dance and say “now what ya’ll know about this?! Ya’ll don’t know nothing about this!”
  2. Sober- The beginning of this song serves up some dim-lit bad college poetry reading bongo drum vibes, but then, out of nowhere, some sort of animal and/or Jack Antonoff starts screeching at me and all of the sudden I’m all “OKAY LORDE! QUEEN OF THE WEEKEND AND NOT BEING SOBER F&*$ IT UP SIS!” And that change in the beat at 2:35? I’m sorry, I think I just legitimately went bald. Conclusion? I’ll sway/go astray with Lorde straight to hell, run and tell THAT!
  3. Homemade Dynamite- When I say that I dropped it so low when the beat came in as she said “So let’s let things come out of the woodwork” I actually mean that my flat, white ass was on the floor convulsing and simultaneously googling how to make explosives (not really, calm your tits, NSA). A fun fact, “I’ll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies” is what I say to my co-workers on Thursday nights when I’m trying to convince them I won’t be coming into the office hungover the next day.
  4. The Louvre-*does whatever broadcasting the boom boom boom boom is while simultaneously dancing/weeping*
  5. Liability-Gay. This song is completely gay. This song is so gay that Mike Pence wants to send it to conversion therapy. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. How is Lorde going to go home to the arms of the girl that she loves if that girl is her own damn self? Are her arms the length of octopus tentacles? Next heterosexual, nonsensical excuse, Ella.
  6. Hard Feelings/Loveless-Lorde clearly has been following me around/wire tapped my phones/put cameras in my house because there isn’t any other plausible explanation for how ~*relatable*~ this song is in terms of every emotion I’ve ever felt/will feel about certain exes.
  7. Sober II (Melodrama)-Starts off as a nice AHS: Coven style lullaby of sorts, ends with me wanting to go out and HEAUX around. Iconic.
  8. Writer in the Dark-Lorde essentially threatens to completely END a man using nothing but her talents, but also manages to be somewhat both condescending and patronizing. There are not adequate words to describe how 1000% HERE I am for this entire scenario.
  9. Supercut-*see thoughts on Hard Feelings/Loveless*
  10. Liability (Reprise)-This song is so gay there’s a few places in the midwest that won’t even serve it pizza (Reprise).
  11. Perfect Places-Song of the summer. Song of the year. Song of the millennium. Everyone else can go home and stay there.

In conclusion, I hope that anyone who hasn’t yet given this future Album of the Year Grammy snatching masterpiece a listen, does so immediately. You’ll dance, you’ll cry, you’ll want to run off to New Zealand and petition for Lorde to legally adopt you. No on that last bit? That’s just me? I’m okay with that.

Can Life Ever Be Simple Again?

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I know that my absence from this blog since mid-October has probably been really tough on all six of you (I’m probably being a bit generous numbers wise here) that check this dumpster fire of a website in any sort of even semi frequent fashion, but, I’m back. If we’re being completely honest, I haven’t really been in the mood to write since the election, you know, the day that America decided that the (grossly unqualified) human equivalent of the result of me cleaning out my hairbrush with Cheeto dust covered fingers was better fit to be President than someone, who, though imperfect, had some grasp on what the job entails, (and the self control not to Tweet like I used to when I was drinking a lot in college).

In my humble, non political opinion (aka don’t give me shit for this on Facebook, I don’t have the energy to argue with anyone who wants me to give people like Stephen Bannon aka what a hangover would look like if it was a white supremacist, a “chance”), America hasn’t seen division like this since 2005, a division that caused a Von Dutch trucker hat shaped wound that, for some, like myself, hasn’t ever really healed. In case you were wondering, yes, I am in fact referring to the feud between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. To summarize, at the premiere of her movie “House of Wax” Paris said that she and Nicole weren’t friends anymore, they never would be, and she wouldn’t comment further. Of course she did, even going as far as to write a song about Nicole (“Jealousy”) and put it on her album. Essentially, Paris accused Nicole of being jealous of her being more famous, which subsequently lead to them feuding, which gave birth to one of my top three favorite Hollywood rumors of all time, which was that on the night Paris hosted Saturday Night Live, Nicole gathered friends at her home and instead of playing them Paris’s SNL episode, Nicole played Paris’s sex tape, “One Night in Paris.”

Eventually, the two girls “mended” their relationship, but never really were quite as close again. As the years passed, the differences between the two became even more blatant, and the reality television dream team that had once changed a Sonic Drive In sign to say “1/2 Price Anal Salty Weiner Burgers” was no more. The painful divide becomes even more apparent when you take a look at the stark differences between Paris and Nicole’s Instagram accounts these days (thanks for the tip Stuart). On one hand we have Paris, who is enjoying her current tour as a DJ in various nightclubs around the world, and on the other we have Nicole who looks more like a Brooklyn mom who makes her own soaps and doesn’t vaccinate her kids.

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Why does this sound familiar? A great divide between two famous former friends, one, a fan of all things gold plated, and the other, who it’s not very difficult to visualize wandering the wooded hiking trails near Chappaqua, presumably looking for a f&%$ to give. Obviously I’m not comparing a silly feud between two reality stars to the current political reality our country is facing, after all, reality television has no place within our political system, right? Oh, but wait, I’m forgetting this is 2016, a year that took Prince, Bowie, and one that possessed people to write in the name of a dead gorilla on their ballots during the Presidential election.

Is this the path our country is going to take? Will we continue to remain so starkly divided? With an overwhelming (if you’re getting your election figures from someone like walking, real life goblin, Ann Coulter) number of people seeming to have such a hard on for all things Midas themed and spray tanned that they’re all able to conveniently forget what the kids call “all the super shameful, shady, and racist shit” that has gone on, and the rest of us scratching our heads and wondering what the actual hell is happening, I can’t really say. I can only hope that one day, unlike Paris and Nicole, we’ll all be able to sit down together, and enjoy a bounty of 1/2 Price Salty Anal Weiner Burgers from Sonic together, just as our founding fathers (aka Lionel Richie and Richard Hiton) intended.

The Salvation That The World Ignored..

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Don’t worry, the title of this post is definitely not indicative of me writing about anything remotely serious, but make no mistake that what I’m writing about is very important. On June 24, 2015 the Savior of Pop Music, and Canada’s greatest gift to mankind, Carlegendary Slay Jepsaint, known more commonly as Carly Rae Jepsen released her third studio album “E*Mo*Tion.” It was the album that pop music needed, but almost immediately it became clear that it was in no way deserved. Instead of getting behind this 15 track pop tour de force, the world instead allowed people like pastel colored queen of white nonsense Mastodon Trainwreck, known more commonly as Meghan Trainor to slither up the charts. Unforgivable. I, however, won’t continue to stay silent, so naturally, I’m providing you, my (two) readers (Sup? Mom and Dad) with a breakdown/review of my top 4 tracks on this masterpiece.

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  1. Run Away With Me: There has not been a dramatic song intro so critical and culturally relevant since the Zulu chant that preceded “The Circle of Life” at the beginning of The Lion King. If the iconic horns at the beginning of this song don’t make the hair of the back of your neck stand up, you’re either hairless, or deaf. 1000/10 would die for this bop.
  2. E*MO*TION: This song is some type of power b$%&@ anthem. She opens the first verse with “be tormented by me babe” and then commands the (I can only assume) weak man she’s singing to/about to “drink tequila for me babe.” Like OKAY sis! Torment his ass! Haze him with cheap tequila shots! This song is essentially about tricking a man into becoming emotionally vulnerable through torment and liquor, then making him talk about his feelings. Legendary.
  3. Let’s Get Lost: YASSSSS HONEY! LET’S GET LOST! F@#& GOOGLE MAPS! QUEEN OF THE LONG WAY HOME! When the beat dropped in this song I was immediately cleansed of sin, my crops provided a plentiful harvest, and my student loans were paid off in their entirety.*
  4. LA Hallucinations: Honestly there isn’t a song lyric I have found more profound or iconic than “BuzzFeed buzzards and TMZ crows..” Queen of words, metaphors, and imagery.

As IF the gift of this underrated magnum opus wasn’t enough, to celebrate it’s 1 year anniversary, her holiness Carly Rae blessed us with Side B of “E*Mo*Tion” as well. I don’t think I’ll ever quite fully recover from the injustice that is the world widely ignoring what could’ve been the savior of pop music in favor of songs from the human equivalent of stale cotton candy (again, Meghan Trainor) and Charlie Puth’s weird, half shaved, tragic eyebrow. Now, go atone for your sins and #BuyEmotionOniTunes.

*a slight exaggeration

Oops!…I Did It Again

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Before the one person that actually checks to see if I’ve updated this blog (Hi Mom!) tries to come for my wig over the lack of posting, let me plead my case, as there are several legitimate (at least in my eyes) reasons why I stopped writing here. (Sadly, none of them involve fulfilling my lifelong dream of becoming a C-List celebrity that has been hospitalized for “exhaustion” and/or “personal issues”).

  1. Work. Can you believe that actually performing well at work requires time and effort? The tiny entitled, insufferable Millenial that lives inside me finds this astoundingly disrespectful and rude, but real life me mostly finds it exhausting. Honestly, once my day is over I have little energy to do much more than order Seamless and watch half a Law and Order: SVU episode before passing out face down in whatever packaging my food came wrapped in.
  2. On April 23, 2016, Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter Dropped Her Visual Album “Lemonade.” No explanation necessary, as I can only assume that everyone else reading this was also left as bald headed/temporarily robbed of their fine motor skills as I was.
  3. Calvin Harris blocked me on Twitter, so I obviously had to find time to adjust to my status as a professional A-List Celebrity Shit Poster. Following the release of the totally organic not at all staged photos of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston canoodling on a Rhode Island beach (which somehow managed to look more like photos of a man taking his aging nana to the shore than anything romantic) a mere 2 weeks after her breakup with Calvin, I tweeted the World’s Highest Paid DJ the following..Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 2.24.27 PMScreen Shot 2016-07-16 at 2.24.15 PM Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 2.32.41 PM
  4. I HAD AN IDENTITY CRISIS OKAY?! 

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For awhile I ignored this blog because I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to write about, and while I totally recognize that this blog was always destined to be a bit of a clusterf%#$ I still wanted to have some sort of consistency theme wise. Now that I have that a bit more narrowed down, I’ll be having you all saying “WTF? Why is Grace like this?!” a lot more often..

So, in conclusion, I will be more consistent with posting about the things I’m truly passionate about (ie: commenting on CeLeBriTy dRaMa, reality television, early/mid-2000’s pop culture, and bitching about all the weird things that annoy me). I promise, and not in a “Scott Disick promising for the millionth time he’s going to sober up” kind of way, but like, actually.

Hello, It’s Me..

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It’s been awhile since I’ve had the time to even really think much about this blog (literally though, I had to reset my password just now..). My real life job got really busy, plus Adele’s new album came out, which rendered me pretty much emotionally crippled and non functional for a few weeks, so, you understand.

I could catch you up on everything that has happened in my life since the VMAs, but that would put all of us, including me, to sleep (and I took an Adderall this morning so that’s saying something) so instead I’m gonna go ahead and fill you in on the most important things that have happened since I last abused the internet with my non-sensical ramblings.

The Love of my Life, the Paris to my Nicole, Benjamin came to New York for a visit..

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All you really need to know about this reunion is that our first stop was the DASH Store in SoHo to purchase matching beanies. We then proceeded to walk to Benny’s Burritos in the West Village while shouting “DASH DOLL REALNESS” at people on the street. The rest of that day was spent throwing shade, and reminiscing about simpler times, like the night we refer to as our “Ke$ha Night” where we concluded an evening puking bright pink vomit, thanks to the high class bottle of Peach flavored Andre Champagne we had consumed a few hours before. Aaaah, youth*

Basically the next few days were spent doing pretty much some sort of variation of that day’s activities. That is until Monday, which was Ben’s last night in town. Anyone who knows me (us) knows I (we) am (are) a total slut for any and all of the Real Housewives franchises, but Atlanta holds a special (ie: ratchet) place in my heart. Maybe it’s because I also grew up in the peach state, or maybe I just really appreciate some good old fashioned wig snatching, shade throwing, and tea spilling, either way I am an absolute hoe for RHOA.

So, most of these ladies, in addition to their “work” on the show, have other “business” ventures. You have such entrepreneurial endeavors as “She by Sheree” and Kandi’s music career (rip). Then you have NeNe Leakes, who you may remember from the iconic moment in history when she referred to Kim Zolciak-Biermann simply as “wig.” What is NeNe doing with her time these days you ask? Oh, you know, casually joining the cast of “Chicago” as Matron “Mama” Morton. So, what do two cultured divas do with a free Monday night in Manhattan? They obviously buy (overpriced) tickets, and pre game at a Blockheads down the street.

Let me just hit you with a few highlights from that evening..

  • NeNe’s “When You’re Good to Mama” performance. Ya’ll I kid you not when I say I was brought to life by this performance, not because there was any real vocal talent involved, but mostly because I can clearly picture NeNe singing it to Greg in real life after he brings her a frozen daiquri poolside. Also a fun fact, I literally screamed “YASSS MISS LEAKES SNATCH MY DAMN WIG!” at the end of the performance.
  • NeNe looking bored the rest of the show, and her reactions to things other cast members were doing. I want a set of emojis entirely made from her facial expressions during Chicago, and then I want said set of emojis tattooed on me, that’s how priceless they were.
  • I am pretty sure the cast in it’s entirety was wasted, messy boots ya’ll, believe you me. Luckily, the people in the audience who had come to see an actual Broadway musical were all European tourists who didn’t know WTF was happening anyway, and Ben and I literally only came to see NeNe, so, it all worked out.

Flash forward to after the show, I hustled my ass to that stage door faster than I have done just about anything in my entire 25 years on the planet earth. My program was ready to be signed, my phone was ready to take selfies, my wig was ready to be snatched. So, NeNe comes out, and I #expose myself the minute she walks up to me, nervously (shouting) “I was the bitch that screamed ‘Yasss Miss Leakes snatch my damn wig!’ at the end of ‘When You’re Good to Mama..” She gives me her best “this white bitch” face and says “You tweeted that at me to, didn’t ya?” RIP me.

12301649_10205311815091125_7002576338040755576_n.jpgA fun fact about this #iconic photograph we took is that I am actually planning on having it commissioned as an oil painting at some point to hang in my home. After all, can you really describe it as anything but modern art? No, I didn’t think so. 

So there you have it, the most exciting thing to happen to me in 2015 (and maybe forever, I hear you get pretty attached to a baby if you have one, and apparently getting married is pretty cool, but I can promise it’ll at least be in the top 5 for the rest of my life). Also, I promise to update this bad boy more often, if I ever go radio silent again, go ahead an assume that I’ve fulfilled my dream of becoming a B-list celebrity, and I’m being hospitalized for “exhaustion” and/or “personal issues.”

*low standards and even lower budgets

A Collaboration Made in Heaven (By That, I Mean, Over Margaritas)

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It was only a matter of time, ya’ll, before I brought in my fellow (and favorite) pop culture human trash can, Ben into this blog. You may remember us from our short lived High School Podcast, “Lil Ben & Sexy Grace” or you may not. Whatever, we’re over it. Anyway, since we’re both bi-coastal butterflies who have busy lives and no cable (#2BrokeGirls) we’re bringing you our VMA-Highlight Recap a week late.

Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams Music Video

B: #JUSTICEFORGAGA #JUSTICEFORARTPOP. Did ya’ll notice every single person in this video was white? “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?” Looking at you, Taylor. Slash, TSwift, get your life together, stop complaining and writing Tumblr posts about Spotify not paying you .35 cents per song. #IWASROOTINGFORYOU #WEWEREALLROOTINGFORYOU #TYRA

G: Taylor strapped me to a giraffe (or the one of the other 234234 rando animals that appeared in this video) and dragged my thirsty, willing ass all the way across the savannah. Tay is definitely my favorite “problematic female fave” (I have a few), but I can’t help but love her. Also, if you’re wondering why white girls/gay men use the word “daddy” so much, refer to Scott Eastwood as an example.

“MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!”

B: #SnottyNoseBoys (?), #MyPastor, #PastorLydia, #Blessed. Nicki, take several seats, ya look foolish. This whole thing feels very VH1/Mount De Sales Academy circa 2007, I’m feeling very attacked right now. @MileyCyrus handled this the way I do most things, you twirl and flip your hair, swish your hips, and move on. Prediction for the VMAs 2018–Nicki licks Miley, who’s dressed as a bald eagle live on stage, while debuting a surprise 2-disc album that comes with a gram of weed, wrapped completely in cotton candy.

G: I can’t hunt down the receipts (#lazy) but there was audience cam footage of Taylor Swift and her #squad during this moment and EVERY SINGLE ONE of those girls leaned forward to look at her as soon as Nicki said “Now back to this bitch..” where’s the loyalty, Bad Blood #squad? I also feel like Katy Perry got REALLY excited for about two seconds. Also, if you see me shouting “MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!” at random strangers, remember, it’s not mental illness, it’s cultural awareness.

Demi Lovato Bringing Out Iggy to Perform 

B: Poor thing couldn’t even get a spot on the main stage, #rude. Demi Lovato is the most underrated Disney artist of our generation, vocals #OnPoint, #OnFleek, #RIPSelena Gomez. Oh Iggy, oh no. Is that even english? When in doubt #grind. In conclusion, only Demi Lovato has the balls to crowd surf on an oversized, inflatable float outdoors in the middle of Downtown Los Angeles.

G: I feel like this was the point in the show Britney Spears threw up her hands (and probably a bag of Cheetos), said “I’m out ya’ll” and flew back to Las Vegas..#BuyPrettyGirlsOnITunes

Justin Bieber’s New Hair

B: Not even close to Ellen DeGeneres on a bad hair day. Look at her though! SO brave! #TearsforJustinBiebersBangs #DonateHere

G: Somewhere, Kate Gosselin threw a bottle of white wine at her TV, and actually screamed “BITCH STOLE MY LOOK!”

MILEYS SURPRISE ALBUM

B: *sing to the tune of “Partition”* DRIVER ROLL UP THE PARTITION PLEASE, I NEED TO LISTEN TO MILEYS NEW ALBUM ON MY IPHONE PLEASE! Girl, really though, Soundcloud? #198-WHO, #BYETAYLOR. If at first you don’t succeed, take a hit of acid, dust yourself off, and try again. #RIPAaliyah #MileyftAaliyah #JUSTICEFORARTPOP

G: A FREE album??!?!?! Has anyone checked on Taylor Swift? Is she alive? *Patiently waits on Taylor’s open letter to Soundcloud* See footage of her typing it below..

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Kanye’s Speech

B: LOL you expect me to watch anyone give a speech over five minutes (excluding any Real Housewives reunion specials)? PS I would totally vote for him as #POTUS

G: #Same. Also still wondering why he dressed Kim like a boiled peanut.