My hiatus from this blog has been long, and I’d apologize if I thought anyone gave even one iota of what the kids call, “a shit.” I could give a whole laundry list of excuses as to why, but really, at the end of the day, it really just boils down to the broad umbrella of “adulthood.” So, what could’ve possibly had the power to draw me out of hiatus? Lorde’s sophomore album, Melodrama, that’s what.

I don’t think I’ll quite every to be able to “fully process” the absolute wigging, I mean the actual SNATCHING of my hair straight down to the follicles that Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor (nope, you didn’t just have a stroke, that’s her full name!) aka Lorde aka supreme of the pop girl coven aka the alt queen aka a young, brunette Stevie Nicks delivered to me via Melodrama, but, there isn’t any time like the present to give the track by track breakdown of this album that exactly nobody asked for, so, *cracks knuckles,* let’s get into it, shall we?

1. Green Light- An absolute BOP. It’s one of those songs that when I’m elderly and slightly tipsy at a cookout, will start to play and I’ll stand my arthritic ass up as I look at my grandchildren and start to do some terribly caucasian geriatric dance and say “now what ya’ll know about this?! Ya’ll don’t know nothing about this!”
2. Sober- The beginning of this song serves up some dim-lit bad college poetry reading bongo drum vibes, but then, out of nowhere, some sort of animal and/or Jack Antonoff starts screeching at me and all of the sudden I’m all “OKAY LORDE! QUEEN OF THE WEEKEND AND NOT BEING SOBER F&*$ IT UP SIS!” And that change in the beat at 2:35? I’m sorry, I think I just legitimately went bald. Conclusion? I’ll sway/go astray with Lorde straight to hell, run and tell THAT!
3. Homemade Dynamite- When I say that I dropped it so low when the beat came in as she said “So let’s let things come out of the woodwork” I actually mean that my flat, white ass was on the floor convulsing and simultaneously googling how to make explosives (not really, calm your tits, NSA). A fun fact, “I’ll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies” is what I say to my co-workers on Thursday nights when I’m trying to convince them I won’t be coming into the office hungover the next day.
4. The Louvre-*does whatever broadcasting the boom boom boom boom is while simultaneously dancing/weeping*
5. Liability-Gay. This song is completely gay. This song is so gay that Mike Pence wants to send it to conversion therapy. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. How is Lorde going to go home to the arms of the girl that she loves if that girl is her own damn self? Are her arms the length of octopus tentacles? Next heterosexual, nonsensical excuse, Ella.
6. Hard Feelings/Loveless-Lorde clearly has been following me around/wire tapped my phones/put cameras in my house because there isn’t any other plausible explanation for how ~*relatable*~ this song is in terms of every emotion I’ve ever felt/will feel about certain exes.
7. Sober II (Melodrama)-Starts off as a nice AHS: Coven style lullaby of sorts, ends with me wanting to go out and HEAUX around. Iconic.
8. Writer in the Dark-Lorde essentially threatens to completely END a man using nothing but her talents, but also manages to be somewhat both condescending and patronizing. There are not adequate words to describe how 1000% HERE I am for this entire scenario.
9. Supercut-*see thoughts on Hard Feelings/Loveless*
10. Liability (Reprise)-This song is so gay there’s a few places in the midwest that won’t even serve it pizza (Reprise).
11. Perfect Places-Song of the summer. Song of the year. Song of the millennium. Everyone else can go home and stay there.

In conclusion, I hope that anyone who hasn’t yet given this future Album of the Year Grammy snatching masterpiece a listen, does so immediately. You’ll dance, you’ll cry, you’ll want to run off to New Zealand and petition for Lorde to legally adopt you. No on that last bit? That’s just me? I’m okay with that.