Your Cold Shoulder Top is Upsetting Me

The world is full of injustice; Bravo’s ‘Gallery Girls’ only got one season, Rihanna hasn’t released an album since 2016, and Jonathan Cheban somehow still has something vaguely resembling a career. The biggest injustice as of late, however, is that the cold shoulder top has actually become a thing.

What is a cold shoulder top you ask? Well first things first, to answer your question, yes, they are one thousand percent as ridiculous as they sound. I would give you a more technical definition but when I went to Google to look for one, the first description I saw used the phrase “casual but classy” to describe a neon pink chevron patterned version of this top. I immediately fell into a rage blackout that I still haven’t recovered from some two weeks later. Maybe it’s because I don’t like any part of my body to be cold (just my demeanor), or maybe it’s because I don’t feel that my shoulders are my best asset, but I really just can’t condone the sartorial nightmare that is the cold shoulder top.

Most women have essential clothing items that they consider wardrobe staples, for most ladies that’s going to include things like a great pair of jeans, a little black dress, a chic coat, and other variations of pieces that are almost universally considered “classics.” There are some women (none that I personally have in my life, small mercies) for whom cold shoulder tops seem to be a critical part of their wardrobe, and although I’m generally against generalizing groups of people, I’ve noticed several things that almost seem to be mutually exclusive to women that wear these hideous tops.

  • Has children named things like: Brixton, Blaze, Maklemily, Maxkenzy, etc
  • Has gotten into an altercation with at LEAST four different t-ball umpires
  • Has one of those stupid stick figure sticker families on the back of their (usually white) SUV
  • Doesn’t give a shit that her $1 off $5 coupon expired in 2011, and thinks she is absolutely still entitled to use it
  • Needs to speak to your manager
  • Likes the “Women for Trump” page on Facebook
  • Thinks chain restaurants like Olive Garden are Michelin star dining experiences
  • Owns a $3,000 purebred dog, but she’ll still share animal rescue posts on social media because she’s such a good person
  • Has a vinyl on the wall above her bed that says “I Love You to the Moon and Back”
  • Loves wine, wine themed throw pillows, puns about wine, is essentially just SUPER f@$#%*& into wine (not like, particularly good wine though).

I could literally make this list at least 1500 bullet points long, but we really don’t have the time for all of that, do we? Look, I’m sure that someone reading this doesn’t fit all or even any of the boxes I checked, but just like when I see a red hat on a guy, your cold shoulder top activates my fight or flight response. I’m not saying that wearing a cold shoulder top makes you a bad person or that not wearing them makes you a good person, all I’m saying is that these shirts are stupid and it’s past time for them to go the way of the statement necklace.

 

Hold Me Closer Not-So-Tiny Dancer

You know how people talk about the way certain smells can instantly bring back a flood of vivid memories? Admittedly, most of mine involve moments when I get whiffs of certain kinds of alcohol and am transported back to memories (using this term loosely here, as it implies I am remembering all of these incidents) that involve me puking or trying to get into the house without having to speak to my parents (an unsuccessful feat 99.8% of the time).

The other day at work, however, when I stepped into the bathroom to wash my hands after somewhat aggressively eating a pack of Peanut M&Ms, the smell of hairspray transported me to a place that I literally haven’t thought about, except maybe in therapy, for years, the basement of the performing arts center at Wesleyan College in Macon, Georgia.

I’m 10 years old, and my body shape can best be described as a steamed pork bun. I’m wearing red lipstick and a glittered little crop top/flared pants getup that, when paired with the unfortunate bangs I had, was worthy of at LEAST seven felony charges. I am at my dance recital, and although my disastrous ballet performance as a “French Lady” might be over, my jazz performance as an elementary school-aged sensual cowgirl temptress is in about ten minutes.

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If you can’t tell by now, I hated dance, like hated it to the point where I would throw tantrums before class because I hoped if my face got red and tear stained enough I would not have to go. My mom would then get to the point where she did nott want to risk me making a scene at the dance studio in front of other people, and let me skip class. This didn’t happen as often as I would’ve liked, because my mother is from the northeast, doesn’t embarrass easily, and had the audacity to make my brother and I fulfill commitments we had made.

Let me just say that I didn’t hate dance because I was bullied or anything like that, in fact, I met several girls at dance that I still consider friends today. I hated dance because I was terrible at it and I was incredibly aware of just how awful I was. I would watch the taller, more graceful girls glide effortlessly across the floor and convince myself that I absolutely looked like that, when in reality, I more closely resembled some sort of large sea creature that had found itself beached, and was desperately trying to flail it’s way back to the water.

I’m not sure how I ended up taking dance for 13 years of my life when I loathed it so much. Maybe it’s because I was born with exactly zero rhythm and was trying to gain some? That never happened. I even have moments today where I struggle to keep up with the most caucasian of beats (my most humiliating moment to date was when I realized I was clapping off beat at a Taylor Swift concert last summer). Maybe it’s because the good lord saw fit to make sure I sought out therapy as an adult because he knew by that point the people in my life would deserve a break from my constant need to hear myself talk? It could be a lot of things but we really don’t have time for a complete list. However, I did learn a valuable lesson and that was that there were going to be things in life that I wasn’t good at, but had to do anyway (example, I met Lena Dunham at a work event a few years ago and had to pretend to be excited). Challenges like this have ultimately made me a more well-rounded (ish) person. That being said, I sincerely apologize to all those who had to sit through my dance recitals back in the day and had to pretend I had given a Misty Copeland level performance when you saw me afterwards and handed me a congratulatory bouquet. You’re the strongest people I know.

Valentine’s Day is Stupid

There, I said it! Now, I know that for some people that statement will make you assume that I am a bitter, cynical wildebeest of a person who isn’t capable of feeling love or any other human emotions (You aren’t entirely off base. I’m somewhat emotionally hollow, and after a few carbohydrates can bear a striking resemblance to wildebeests, or really any other creature in the buffalo-ish family). The thing is, I don’t think love is stupid at all, I think it’s beautiful, wonderful, and am fortunate to have a lot of it in my life. I didn’t always feel this way about Valentine’s Day. I used to be pretty indifferent about it, but then Instagram influencers became a thing and suddenly I found myself loathing a whole lot of things I used to not care about at all.

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I’ve started doing something that’s probably not that great for me, and I call that thing “hate reading.” Meaning, I go to the social media accounts of those I loathe and look at all the absolutely terrible things they do and say (also, if you say you never do this, you’re probably, and by probably I mean, definitely a huge liar). This morning, I got up, got some work done, smiled at all the cute photos of significant others and babies people I actually like in real life were posting, reminisced about my favorite gifts of V-Days past (6th grade, my mom got me a t-shirt from Abercrombie and a bottle of what would become my signature scent until 10th grade, Tommy Girl), laughed at a few memes, and consumed way too much coffee, a good, pretty standard Wednesday morning for me, that is until Instagram’s algorithm decided that for, whatever reason, I deserved to suffer.

An “Influencer” I make a very express point of not following, for the sake of my own mental health, had posted a series of photos with her “lover” (Unless you’re Will Ferrel and/or Rachel Dratch, let’s never use this word again, thanks) where they were oh so candidly indulging in unhealthy food (which of course, was nowhere near her actual mouth), with an attached post so badly written (as the person who writes the posts on this blog, I think you can all agree that if I post what I do with some semblance of confidence, and call someone else’s writing terrible, it’s pretty bad). So, I get to the end of this millennial manifesto of a blog post (but not before rolling my eyes, audibly groaning, and saying “calm it down, Rupi Kaur” several times under my breath), and see that the whole thing is literally sponsored by a brand.  I promptly fight the urge to cloak myself in all black, and skulk around New York City informing everyone that love is dead.

Look, I’m not trying to burst anyone’s heart shaped bubble here, but if we’ve gotten to the point where a day that is (allegedly) supposed to be about celebrating the love in our life is just another day where I must suffer through your horribly written, incredibly staged #SponsoredContent and watch other people consume it like it’s some sort of aspirational thing, please, get Valentine’s Day as far away from me as possible. As far as my plans for tonight that you absolutely had no intention of asking about? I’m attending a Soul Cycle class, coming home to indulge in a ridiculously overpriced skincare regimen, and go to bed, as I always do, fervently praying that I never have to see someone use the hashtag #InstaGood ever again.

 

 

 

On Being a Southern Expat..

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When I meet new people and tell them I’m from Georgia, the conversation typically goes one of two ways, either, “Oh, you must be from Atlanta!” or “Oh, did you go to UGA?” When I respond with, “no, actually, I’m from Macon” I’m almost always met with looks of bewildered confusion, which inevitably leads me to hitting them with unsolicited Macon trivia facts like “It’s where Otis Redding and the Allman Brothers are from” or cracking the “It’s 85 miles and 100 years south of Atlanta” joke.

Growing up in Macon, I didn’t always have the greatest appreciation for my quirky little southern hometown, and weirdly prided myself on the fact that I wasn’t “from” Macon, but was technically “from” my mother’s hometown of Greenwich, Connecticut. To clarify, my family moved to Macon a year and a half after I was born, so there’s really no escaping the fact that it is my hometown, despite the birth certificate technicality I clung so desperately to when I was younger. While I would love nothing more than to be able to travel back in time, look my teen self in the eye, and say something along the lines of “You sound like a pretentious little snot and I could provide you with a list of hundreds of worse places to live. Also, you definitely should’ve sized up to a large in that Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt, and for the love of God, get that piece of Dorito out of your braces.”

I don’t think I was completely alone in feeling the way I did. It’s really easy when you’re younger (and even when you’re older) to point out all the negatives about the place you grew up like I did, to talk about how boring it is, to talk about how you can’t wait to leave, etc. What’s harder is to come to terms with the fact that for all its quirks and flaws, your little hometown has, unbeknownst to you, prepared you to succeed in other places outside of it.

I moved to the northeast in the summer of 2013 for what was supposed to be a three month Public Relations internship. But that turned into another internship, which turned into another, which turned into a job, which turned into an unexpected permanent move above the Mason Dixon Line. While I had grown up making regular trips to visit family in New York and Connecticut, I quickly learned that living here was a completely different ball game. Despite my best efforts, there were certain southern practices that were so deeply ingrained in me that it was definitely going to be quite an adjustment.

Let me go ahead and squash the misconception that people from the Northeast are unfriendly, because it’s absolutely not true. They may give off that kind of vibe because they don’t walk around with smiles plastered on their faces, but neither do I, which, unfortunately coupled with several (most) of my other personality traits pretty much guarantees I’ll never fulfill my elementary school goal of growing up to be a Stepford Wife, but I’ve learned that a seemingly unpleasant resting face does not an unpleasant person make. That being said, one of the biggest adjustments for me, someone who already has a tendency to hurt themselves by tripping over things like, well, nothing, is that people don’t hold doors like they do at home. Growing up in the south, I always held the door for someone coming in or out before or after me, and vice versa, but I’ve learned the hard (somewhat painful) way that if you expect someone to hold a door, there’s a good chance you’ll be met with cold glass, but there’s an even better chance that if you keep up that practice when you move somewhere else, you’ll unexpectedly make someone’s day.

Growing up, my parents never really freaked out if we didn’t say “yes/no ma’am” or “yes/no sir” unless we were addressing someone considerably older. But I’ve found it goes a long way when you move somewhere else, particularly outside the South. I’m not joking when I say that I thought a woman I addressed at a work function with “yes ma’am” was going to keel over and die from shock and awe (in a good way, I think). The point is, I learned not to be so critical of little ol’ Macon as I got older, because I realized that it had shaped me and given me good habits that would prevent me from becoming one of those insufferable millennial nightmares you read about on Buzzfeed.

Manners aside, I’ve found that a lot of other quirky things about Macon that I grew up experiencing have shaped me into who I am today. The ballet lessons I took at Dance Arts Studio (because it’s just what girls my age in Macon did) were not just a feeble attempt by my parent’s to give me a fighting chance at having normal coordination and fine motor skills. The classes taught me to stick with commitments and follow through, no matter how embarrassingly, painfully terrible I was at them.

Dance League (AKA Cotillion) taught me that if I, a chubby, awkward twelve year old with bangs starting at the crown of my head and ending exactly one millimeter above my eyebrows could somehow make it through weekly ballroom dance lessons with boys, that I could more than likely survive most future awkward social situations.  Also, should I ever be faced with a life or death dance battle, I can cha-cha, waltz or foxtrot my way to victory! Contrary to what we Maconites think most young people have never done this.

This next part is somewhat painful for teenage me to admit, but, when you leave Macon, you will miss it, maybe not all of it, but definitely parts of it. There came a point after I was in New York working where I hadn’t been home to visit in almost a year. At that point I would have given a kidney or other vital (-ish) organ for a meal from H&H, or to go hang out on the patio at The Hummingbird. Luckily I was able to find deep fried solace at Red Rooster in Harlem, and dive bar salvation at Dorrian’s Red Hand on the Upper East Side, but it still isn’t quite the same.

There’s nothing wrong with growing up and leaving the nest, in fact, I think it’s probably the nicest thing I’ve ever done or will ever do for my parents, but I’ve learned that every so often, you should throw the place that spawned you a little love, whether you’re still there or have moved far away, because you wouldn’t be you without it. This is normally where I’d end on some sort of cliché like “you can take the girl out of Macon but you can’t take the Macon out of the girl” but instead, I’ll just say, I love ya Macon, from your beautiful architecture and rich music history, all the way down to your innuendo inspired sport’s team names.

What Happened to My Wig? Melodrama Happened.

My hiatus from this blog has been long, and I’d apologize if I thought anyone gave even one iota of what the kids call, “a shit.” I could give a whole laundry list of excuses as to why, but really, at the end of the day, it really just boils down to the broad umbrella of “adulthood.” So, what could’ve possibly had the power to draw me out of hiatus? Lorde’s sophomore album, Melodrama, that’s what.

I don’t think I’ll quite every to be able to “fully process” the absolute wigging, I mean the actual SNATCHING of my hair straight down to the follicles that Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor (nope, you didn’t just have a stroke, that’s her full name!) aka Lorde aka supreme of the pop girl coven aka the alt queen aka a young, brunette Stevie Nicks delivered to me via Melodrama, but, there isn’t any time like the present to give the track by track breakdown of this album that exactly nobody asked for, so, *cracks knuckles,* let’s get into it, shall we?

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  1. Green Light- An absolute BOP. It’s one of those songs that when I’m elderly and slightly tipsy at a cookout, will start to play and I’ll stand my arthritic ass up as I look at my grandchildren and start to do some terribly caucasian geriatric dance and say “now what ya’ll know about this?! Ya’ll don’t know nothing about this!”
  2. Sober- The beginning of this song serves up some dim-lit bad college poetry reading bongo drum vibes, but then, out of nowhere, some sort of animal and/or Jack Antonoff starts screeching at me and all of the sudden I’m all “OKAY LORDE! QUEEN OF THE WEEKEND AND NOT BEING SOBER F&*$ IT UP SIS!” And that change in the beat at 2:35? I’m sorry, I think I just legitimately went bald. Conclusion? I’ll sway/go astray with Lorde straight to hell, run and tell THAT!
  3. Homemade Dynamite- When I say that I dropped it so low when the beat came in as she said “So let’s let things come out of the woodwork” I actually mean that my flat, white ass was on the floor convulsing and simultaneously googling how to make explosives (not really, calm your tits, NSA). A fun fact, “I’ll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies” is what I say to my co-workers on Thursday nights when I’m trying to convince them I won’t be coming into the office hungover the next day.
  4. The Louvre-*does whatever broadcasting the boom boom boom boom is while simultaneously dancing/weeping*
  5. Liability-Gay. This song is completely gay. This song is so gay that Mike Pence wants to send it to conversion therapy. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. How is Lorde going to go home to the arms of the girl that she loves if that girl is her own damn self? Are her arms the length of octopus tentacles? Next heterosexual, nonsensical excuse, Ella.
  6. Hard Feelings/Loveless-Lorde clearly has been following me around/wire tapped my phones/put cameras in my house because there isn’t any other plausible explanation for how ~*relatable*~ this song is in terms of every emotion I’ve ever felt/will feel about certain exes.
  7. Sober II (Melodrama)-Starts off as a nice AHS: Coven style lullaby of sorts, ends with me wanting to go out and HEAUX around. Iconic.
  8. Writer in the Dark-Lorde essentially threatens to completely END a man using nothing but her talents, but also manages to be somewhat both condescending and patronizing. There are not adequate words to describe how 1000% HERE I am for this entire scenario.
  9. Supercut-*see thoughts on Hard Feelings/Loveless*
  10. Liability (Reprise)-This song is so gay there’s a few places in the midwest that won’t even serve it pizza (Reprise).
  11. Perfect Places-Song of the summer. Song of the year. Song of the millennium. Everyone else can go home and stay there.

In conclusion, I hope that anyone who hasn’t yet given this future Album of the Year Grammy snatching masterpiece a listen, does so immediately. You’ll dance, you’ll cry, you’ll want to run off to New Zealand and petition for Lorde to legally adopt you. No on that last bit? That’s just me? I’m okay with that.

Can Life Ever Be Simple Again?

I know that my absence from this blog since mid-October has probably been really tough on all six of you (I’m probably being a bit generous numbers wise here) that check this dumpster fire of a website in any sort of even semi frequent fashion, but, I’m back. If we’re being completely honest, I haven’t really been in the mood to write since the election, you know, the day that America decided that the (grossly unqualified) human equivalent of the result of me cleaning out my hairbrush with Cheeto dust covered fingers was better fit to be President than someone, who, though imperfect, had some grasp on what the job entails, (and the self control not to Tweet like I used to when I was drinking a lot in college).

In my humble, non political opinion (aka don’t give me shit for this on Facebook, I don’t have the energy to argue with anyone who wants me to give people like Stephen Bannon aka what a hangover would look like if it was a white supremacist, a “chance”), America hasn’t seen division like this since 2005, a division that caused a Von Dutch trucker hat shaped wound that, for some, like myself, hasn’t ever really healed. In case you were wondering, yes, I am in fact referring to the feud between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. To summarize, at the premiere of her movie “House of Wax” Paris said that she and Nicole weren’t friends anymore, they never would be, and she wouldn’t comment further. Of course she did, even going as far as to write a song about Nicole (“Jealousy”) and put it on her album. Essentially, Paris accused Nicole of being jealous of her being more famous, which subsequently lead to them feuding, which gave birth to one of my top three favorite Hollywood rumors of all time, which was that on the night Paris hosted Saturday Night Live, Nicole gathered friends at her home and instead of playing them Paris’s SNL episode, Nicole played Paris’s sex tape, “One Night in Paris.”

Eventually, the two girls “mended” their relationship, but never really were quite as close again. As the years passed, the differences between the two became even more blatant, and the reality television dream team that had once changed a Sonic Drive In sign to say “1/2 Price Anal Salty Weiner Burgers” was no more. The painful divide becomes even more apparent when you take a look at the stark differences between Paris and Nicole’s Instagram accounts these days (thanks for the tip Stuart). On one hand we have Paris, who is enjoying her current tour as a DJ in various nightclubs around the world, and on the other we have Nicole who looks more like a Brooklyn mom who makes her own soaps and doesn’t vaccinate her kids.

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Why does this sound familiar? A great divide between two famous former friends, one, a fan of all things gold plated, and the other, who it’s not very difficult to visualize wandering the wooded hiking trails near Chappaqua, presumably looking for a f&%$ to give. Obviously I’m not comparing a silly feud between two reality stars to the current political reality our country is facing, after all, reality television has no place within our political system, right? Oh, but wait, I’m forgetting this is 2016, a year that took Prince, Bowie, and one that possessed people to write in the name of a dead gorilla on their ballots during the Presidential election.

Is this the path our country is going to take? Will we continue to remain so starkly divided? With an overwhelming (if you’re getting your election figures from someone like walking, real life goblin, Ann Coulter) number of people seeming to have such a hard on for all things Midas themed and spray tanned that they’re all able to conveniently forget what the kids call “all the super shameful, shady, and racist shit” that has gone on, and the rest of us scratching our heads and wondering what the actual hell is happening, I can’t really say. I can only hope that one day, unlike Paris and Nicole, we’ll all be able to sit down together, and enjoy a bounty of 1/2 Price Salty Anal Weiner Burgers from Sonic together, just as our founding fathers (aka Lionel Richie and Richard Hiton) intended.

So, You Think You Speak J.Crew?

It should come as a surprise to absolutely nobody that kitschy marketing campaigns really aren’t my thing, I have exactly zero patience for them, and quite honestly, I am only capable of showing actual, human emotion about things that involve animals. That being said, recently J.Crew launched a marketing campaign called “Do You Speak J.Crew?” in which they essentially have revealed that they have an in house library (because, of course they do) where they comb through books to come up with the names for colors such as “Casablanca” “Antique Navy” and “Blue Whale.” Honestly, while this type of thing would normally make me audibly groan (okay, so maybe it did) I wouldn’t be able to maintain the “middle aged suburban soccer mom” aesthetic that I’ve worked so hard to build over the years without J.Crew. I also really like Jenna Lyons, and given the rough past few years the brand has had, I worry about what would happen to Jenna should the House of Crew fold. Although, I personally think she could make a killing in Ruth Bader Ginsburg look alike contests, or maybe land a role as a young Notorious RBG in the inevitable upcoming bio pic about her life. Don’t believe me? Seriously, see the below picture. Anyway, moving on.

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I get what J.Crew is trying to do here, however, personally I think they could’ve come up with color names that are more “on brand” and show that they really do know their target audience, so I took the liberty of compiling a list of suggestions.

  • “Nullified Pre Nup Purple”
  • “Gin & Tonic Lime(s) Green”
  • “Adderall Blue”
  • “Temporary Restraining Order Tweed”
  • “Hospitalized for ‘Personal Issues’ Houndstooth”
  • “Trust Fund Teal”
  • “Privileged White”
  • “Worse Case Scenario Wisteria”
  • “Emergency Xanax Ecru”
  • “Second Husband Slate Grey”
  • “Functional Alcoholic Fuchsia”
  • “I Told Him I Was On Birth Control Indigo”
  • “Curated Instagram  Coral”
  • “Delusions of Grandeur Denim”
  • “New York Times Wedding Announcement Navy”

I’ll admit that I do feel like somewhat of a self deprecating hypocrite to be writing a post like this, mocking one of my wardrobe mainstays at this exact moment considering I’m currently wearing a Ralph Lauren button down, an Ann Taylor sweater that has rabbits all over it, grey J.Crew pixie pants, and a pair of Topsiders that desperately need replacing*, but, like I said, my personal brand aesthetic is very much centered around being the type of woman you see at a kid’s soccer game and say “Is there whiskey in that Dunkin Donuts coffee cup? There’s definitely probably whiskey in that Dunkin Donuts coffee cup” (don’t worry mom, there’s not). No shade intended (-ish). Call me Jenna!

*No, you’re not reading my birth date wrong, I am actually 26 years old. 

The Salvation That The World Ignored..

Don’t worry, the title of this post is definitely not indicative of me writing about anything remotely serious, but make no mistake that what I’m writing about is very important. On June 24, 2015 the Savior of Pop Music, and Canada’s greatest gift to mankind, Carlegendary Slay Jepsaint, known more commonly as Carly Rae Jepsen released her third studio album “E*Mo*Tion.” It was the album that pop music needed, but almost immediately it became clear that it was in no way deserved. Instead of getting behind this 15 track pop tour de force, the world instead allowed people like pastel colored queen of white nonsense Mastodon Trainwreck, known more commonly as Meghan Trainor to slither up the charts. Unforgivable. I, however, won’t continue to stay silent, so naturally, I’m providing you, my (two) readers (Sup? Mom and Dad) with a breakdown/review of my top 4 tracks on this masterpiece.

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  1. Run Away With Me: There has not been a dramatic song intro so critical and culturally relevant since the Zulu chant that preceded “The Circle of Life” at the beginning of The Lion King. If the iconic horns at the beginning of this song don’t make the hair of the back of your neck stand up, you’re either hairless, or deaf. 1000/10 would die for this bop.
  2. E*MO*TION: This song is some type of power b$%&@ anthem. She opens the first verse with “be tormented by me babe” and then commands the (I can only assume) weak man she’s singing to/about to “drink tequila for me babe.” Like OKAY sis! Torment his ass! Haze him with cheap tequila shots! This song is essentially about tricking a man into becoming emotionally vulnerable through torment and liquor, then making him talk about his feelings. Legendary.
  3. Let’s Get Lost: YASSSSS HONEY! LET’S GET LOST! F@#& GOOGLE MAPS! QUEEN OF THE LONG WAY HOME! When the beat dropped in this song I was immediately cleansed of sin, my crops provided a plentiful harvest, and my student loans were paid off in their entirety.*
  4. LA Hallucinations: Honestly there isn’t a song lyric I have found more profound or iconic than “BuzzFeed buzzards and TMZ crows..” Queen of words, metaphors, and imagery.

As IF the gift of this underrated magnum opus wasn’t enough, to celebrate it’s 1 year anniversary, her holiness Carly Rae blessed us with Side B of “E*Mo*Tion” as well. I don’t think I’ll ever quite fully recover from the injustice that is the world widely ignoring what could’ve been the savior of pop music in favor of songs from the human equivalent of stale cotton candy (again, Meghan Trainor) and Charlie Puth’s weird, half shaved, tragic eyebrow. Now, go atone for your sins and #BuyEmotionOniTunes.

*a slight exaggeration

I Find Your Triggers Triggering..

As a *shudder* Millenial, I know that I should probably “get” the whole concept of “triggers” more than I actually do, but my confusion isn’t completely shocking considering I have, in many respects, the personality of an irritable, 90 year old woman. While I completely understand and recognize the existence of things, situations, etc that are legitimately triggering for some individuals, I have some trouble wrapping my brain around some of the things that a lot of people my age (looking at you, fellow white, privileged, upper middle class twenty-somethings) say “trigger” them. Call me insensitive (you wouldn’t be the first to do so,and I’m certain you won’t be the last), but I just have no sympathy for people that claim they are now “triggered” by mundane things like ice cream because when they were 10, they dropped theirs and it upset them.  That all being said, it would be very out of character for me to pass up the opportunity to complain, so, I’ve decided to compile a list* of things that I personally find to be “triggering.”

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  • Excessive amounts of condiments (if it’s mayonnaise I am twice as triggered)
  • “Vaping”
  • Anything related/having to do with “The Minions”
  • Stray, unidentifiable hairs. This probably stems from the time my mom and I were trapped in a Wyoming Days Inn because of a snow storm, and I found a short, curly hair in my bed, and then another, and another. A scene straight out of the classic fairy tale, “The Princess and The Pube..”
  • People who use the word “squad” and the phrase “squad goals”
  • Anne Coulter
  • Grown adults who put unecessary “-ers” at the end of words. Particularly triggering example? “Yummers”
  • The Bravo series “Gallery Girls” only lasting one season
  • People saying that Beyonce is “overrated”
  • Actual white feminist bridge troll Lena Dunham
  • People who think Lena Dunham is a decent human being
  • The word “journey” when it’s being used to describe anything to do with fashion, or some metaphorical “Eat, Pray, Love” bullshit
  • Speaking of “Eat, Pray, Love” I find Julia Roberts laugh/general existence incredibly triggering.
  • Middle aged women who are really into the “Fifty Shades of Grey” franchise
  • Mouth breathers

*not a complete list

The 5 Facebook Friends You Definitely Have..

At this point, I’m not really sure why I still have Facebook at all to be honest, considering I almost exclusively use it to look at pictures of myself from high school to remember that it can always be (and definitely was) worse, watch political/social justice arguments unfold, and get meager amounts of validation from my parents. Other than that, I just keep my account out of habit, and to attempt to balance out the human garbage persona I’ve built for myself on Twitter. That being said, I’ve noticed that a lot of my Facebook friends fall into five categories, and whether you want to admit it or not, yours probably do too. So, if you’re willing to endure this BuzzFeed-esque listicle, you can find out exactly what these five types of friends are, and all the reasons they annoy the absolute shit out of me (don’t even, you knew that was going to be a part of this).

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  1. The Political ExpertEqually annoying whether they’re coming from either side, and generally very easily provoked. More than likely this is either a distant relative, or somebody you went to high school with and haven’t seen since (bonus points if it’s the parent of somebody you went to high school with). They are always right, and tend to be about as reasonable as a toddler who is being weened off of their pacifier. Usually only come out of the woodwork during an election year, or during national tragedies.
  2. The VagueBooker: There’s ALWAYS something monumentally tragic going on in the VagueBooker’s life, at least, by their own definition. Very rarely does the VagueBooker have something actually tragic occurring, such as a death in the family, loss of a job, illness, etc. the more than likely  scenario is that they have been, at best, temporarily and minorly inconvenienced. The VagueBooker really chaps my ass because they always just post things like “Really going through it right now, send good vibes please” and “Prayers” without any details (I would imagine that’s due to the fact that what they’re usually “going through” can fall into the category of “first world problems”). I get that some things are personal, but if it’s that personal, why are you posting about it on the internet at all? What is the return on my “good vibes” and “prayers” investment? There’s no such thing as a free lunch, you’re going to have to give me some details.
  3. The Oversharer: The Oversharer is the ANTITHESIS of the VagueBooker, but equally as irritating. The Oversharer tends to do things like “check in” at the doctor and find it necessary to let you know their getting a colonoscopy, post statuses like “SO DONE” that are followed up with an over detailed description of a very personal fight they’ve had with their spouse, etc. If the Oversharer in your life has children, you probably (unwillingly) know how many shits said children have taken this week.
  4. The Pedestrian: Has the overwhelming compulsion to post a new status anytime they literally do anything. You know what this person is doing every step of the way, and by noon, you are aware that they have “grabbed coffee” (and where they grabbed it), filled up their tank with gas (and what music they were listening to on the way to the gas station), and arrived at their desk (and, if you’re anything like me, rolled your eyes at their accompanying “on my grind” hashtag). The Pedestrian either doesn’t know Twitter exists, or is older and is overwhelmed by the prospect of taking on another Social Media channel (don’t worry, they’ll probably get one 3 years from now). Fun fact, my mom got a Twitter before I did and I mocked her by saying “Who the f$%& would want a social network that was just a constant stream of Facebook statuses?” the joke was definitely on me.
  5. The Wine Mom: BIG fan of inspirational quotes, puns, and slightly naughty/sassy references to their spouse, kids, and of course, wine. They joke with their friends about things like bringing White Zinfandel (which they probably refer to as “white zin”) to playdates, and love posting pictures of wine with captions like “I drink wine because the doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up!” The wine mom is generally harmless, and much like your actual mother doesn’t really bug you unless she goes off on some sort of preachy tangent.

I guess I just yearn for the days when Facebook was simpler, and I had to create a fake college email as a high school freshman to be able to join. Instead, I’m now living in a time where someone was able to share a post from “Minions Quotes” that was then able to find it’s way int0 my newsfeed (without any sort of trigger warning), and, quite frankly, after that, all I really have to say is, I’ll see you in Hell, Mark  Zuckerberg.