It was only a matter of time, ya’ll, before I brought in my fellow (and favorite) pop culture human trash can, Ben into this blog. You may remember us from our short lived High School Podcast, “Lil Ben & Sexy Grace” or you may not. Whatever, we’re over it. Anyway, since we’re both bi-coastal butterflies who have busy lives and no cable (#2BrokeGirls) we’re bringing you our VMA-Highlight Recap a week late.

Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams Music Video

B: #JUSTICEFORGAGA #JUSTICEFORARTPOP. Did ya’ll notice every single person in this video was white? “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?” Looking at you, Taylor. Slash, TSwift, get your life together, stop complaining and writing Tumblr posts about Spotify not paying you .35 cents per song. #IWASROOTINGFORYOU #WEWEREALLROOTINGFORYOU #TYRA

G: Taylor strapped me to a giraffe (or the one of the other 234234 rando animals that appeared in this video) and dragged my thirsty, willing ass all the way across the savannah. Tay is definitely my favorite “problematic female fave” (I have a few), but I can’t help but love her. Also, if you’re wondering why white girls/gay men use the word “daddy” so much, refer to Scott Eastwood as an example.

“MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!”

B: #SnottyNoseBoys (?), #MyPastor, #PastorLydia, #Blessed. Nicki, take several seats, ya look foolish. This whole thing feels very VH1/Mount De Sales Academy circa 2007, I’m feeling very attacked right now. @MileyCyrus handled this the way I do most things, you twirl and flip your hair, swish your hips, and move on. Prediction for the VMAs 2018–Nicki licks Miley, who’s dressed as a bald eagle live on stage, while debuting a surprise 2-disc album that comes with a gram of weed, wrapped completely in cotton candy.

G: I can’t hunt down the receipts (#lazy) but there was audience cam footage of Taylor Swift and her #squad during this moment and EVERY SINGLE ONE of those girls leaned forward to look at her as soon as Nicki said “Now back to this bitch..” where’s the loyalty, Bad Blood #squad? I also feel like Katy Perry got REALLY excited for about two seconds. Also, if you see me shouting “MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!” at random strangers, remember, it’s not mental illness, it’s cultural awareness.

Demi Lovato Bringing Out Iggy to Perform 

B: Poor thing couldn’t even get a spot on the main stage, #rude. Demi Lovato is the most underrated Disney artist of our generation, vocals #OnPoint, #OnFleek, #RIPSelena Gomez. Oh Iggy, oh no. Is that even english? When in doubt #grind. In conclusion, only Demi Lovato has the balls to crowd surf on an oversized, inflatable float outdoors in the middle of Downtown Los Angeles.

G: I feel like this was the point in the show Britney Spears threw up her hands (and probably a bag of Cheetos), said “I’m out ya’ll” and flew back to Las Vegas..#BuyPrettyGirlsOnITunes

Justin Bieber’s New Hair

B: Not even close to Ellen DeGeneres on a bad hair day. Look at her though! SO brave! #TearsforJustinBiebersBangs #DonateHere

G: Somewhere, Kate Gosselin threw a bottle of white wine at her TV, and actually screamed “BITCH STOLE MY LOOK!”

MILEYS SURPRISE ALBUM

B: *sing to the tune of “Partition”* DRIVER ROLL UP THE PARTITION PLEASE, I NEED TO LISTEN TO MILEYS NEW ALBUM ON MY IPHONE PLEASE! Girl, really though, Soundcloud? #198-WHO, #BYETAYLOR. If at first you don’t succeed, take a hit of acid, dust yourself off, and try again. #RIPAaliyah #MileyftAaliyah #JUSTICEFORARTPOP

G: A FREE album??!?!?! Has anyone checked on Taylor Swift? Is she alive? *Patiently waits on Taylor’s open letter to Soundcloud* See footage of her typing it below..

Kanye’s Speech

B: LOL you expect me to watch anyone give a speech over five minutes (excluding any Real Housewives reunion specials)? PS I would totally vote for him as #POTUS

G: #Same. Also still wondering why he dressed Kim like a boiled peanut.