Don’t worry, the title of this post is definitely not indicative of me writing about anything remotely serious, but make no mistake that what I’m writing about is very important. On June 24, 2015 the Savior of Pop Music, and Canada’s greatest gift to mankind, Carlegendary Slay Jepsaint, known more commonly as Carly Rae Jepsen released her third studio album “E*Mo*Tion.” It was the album that pop music needed, but almost immediately it became clear that it was in no way deserved. Instead of getting behind this 15 track pop tour de force, the world instead allowed people like pastel colored queen of white nonsense Mastodon Trainwreck, known more commonly as Meghan Trainor to slither up the charts. Unforgivable. I, however, won’t continue to stay silent, so naturally, I’m providing you, my (two) readers (Sup? Mom and Dad) with a breakdown/review of my top 4 tracks on this masterpiece.

1. Run Away With Me: There has not been a dramatic song intro so critical and culturally relevant since the Zulu chant that preceded “The Circle of Life” at the beginning of The Lion King. If the iconic horns at the beginning of this song don’t make the hair of the back of your neck stand up, you’re either hairless, or deaf. 1000/10 would die for this bop.
2. E*MO*TION: This song is some type of power b$%&@ anthem. She opens the first verse with “be tormented by me babe” and then commands the (I can only assume) weak man she’s singing to/about to “drink tequila for me babe.” Like OKAY sis! Torment his ass! Haze him with cheap tequila shots! This song is essentially about tricking a man into becoming emotionally vulnerable through torment and liquor, then making him talk about his feelings. Legendary.
3. Let’s Get Lost: YASSSSS HONEY! LET’S GET LOST! F@#& GOOGLE MAPS! QUEEN OF THE LONG WAY HOME! When the beat dropped in this song I was immediately cleansed of sin, my crops provided a plentiful harvest, and my student loans were paid off in their entirety.*
4. LA Hallucinations: Honestly there isn’t a song lyric I have found more profound or iconic than “BuzzFeed buzzards and TMZ crows..” Queen of words, metaphors, and imagery.

As IF the gift of this underrated magnum opus wasn’t enough, to celebrate it’s 1 year anniversary, her holiness Carly Rae blessed us with Side B of “E*Mo*Tion” as well. I don’t think I’ll ever quite fully recover from the injustice that is the world widely ignoring what could’ve been the savior of pop music in favor of songs from the human equivalent of stale cotton candy (again, Meghan Trainor) and Charlie Puth’s weird, half shaved, tragic eyebrow. Now, go atone for your sins and #BuyEmotionOniTunes.

*a slight exaggeration