Tag: wine

Your Cold Shoulder Top is Upsetting Me

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The world is full of injustice; Bravo’s ‘Gallery Girls’ only got one season, Rihanna hasn’t released an album since 2016, and Jonathan Cheban somehow still has something vaguely resembling a career. The biggest injustice as of late, however, is that the cold shoulder top has actually become a thing.

What is a cold shoulder top you ask? Well first things first, to answer your question, yes, they are one thousand percent as ridiculous as they sound. I would give you a more technical definition but when I went to Google to look for one, the first description I saw used the phrase “casual but classy” to describe a neon pink chevron patterned version of this top. I immediately fell into a rage blackout that I still haven’t recovered from some two weeks later. Maybe it’s because I don’t like any part of my body to be cold (just my demeanor), or maybe it’s because I don’t feel that my shoulders are my best asset, but I really just can’t condone the sartorial nightmare that is the cold shoulder top.

Most women have essential clothing items that they consider wardrobe staples, for most ladies that’s going to include things like a great pair of jeans, a little black dress, a chic coat, and other variations of pieces that are almost universally considered “classics.” There are some women (none that I personally have in my life, small mercies) for whom cold shoulder tops seem to be a critical part of their wardrobe, and although I’m generally against generalizing groups of people, I’ve noticed several things that almost seem to be mutually exclusive to women that wear these hideous tops.

  • Has children named things like: Brixton, Blaze, Maklemily, Maxkenzy, etc
  • Has gotten into an altercation with at LEAST four different t-ball umpires
  • Has one of those stupid stick figure sticker families on the back of their (usually white) SUV
  • Doesn’t give a shit that her $1 off $5 coupon expired in 2011, and thinks she is absolutely still entitled to use it
  • Needs to speak to your manager
  • Likes the “Women for Trump” page on Facebook
  • Thinks chain restaurants like Olive Garden are Michelin star dining experiences
  • Owns a $3,000 purebred dog, but she’ll still share animal rescue posts on social media because she’s such a good person
  • Has a vinyl on the wall above her bed that says “I Love You to the Moon and Back”
  • Loves wine, wine themed throw pillows, puns about wine, is essentially just SUPER f@$#%*& into wine (not like, particularly good wine though).

I could literally make this list at least 1500 bullet points long, but we really don’t have the time for all of that, do we? Look, I’m sure that someone reading this doesn’t fit all or even any of the boxes I checked, but just like when I see a red hat on a guy, your cold shoulder top activates my fight or flight response. I’m not saying that wearing a cold shoulder top makes you a bad person or that not wearing them makes you a good person, all I’m saying is that these shirts are stupid and it’s past time for them to go the way of the statement necklace.

 

The 5 Facebook Friends You Definitely Have..

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At this point, I’m not really sure why I still have Facebook at all to be honest, considering I almost exclusively use it to look at pictures of myself from high school to remember that it can always be (and definitely was) worse, watch political/social justice arguments unfold, and get meager amounts of validation from my parents. Other than that, I just keep my account out of habit, and to attempt to balance out the human garbage persona I’ve built for myself on Twitter. That being said, I’ve noticed that a lot of my Facebook friends fall into five categories, and whether you want to admit it or not, yours probably do too. So, if you’re willing to endure this BuzzFeed-esque listicle, you can find out exactly what these five types of friends are, and all the reasons they annoy the absolute shit out of me (don’t even, you knew that was going to be a part of this).

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  1. The Political Expert: Equally annoying whether they’re coming from either side, and generally very easily provoked. More than likely this is either a distant relative, or somebody you went to high school with and haven’t seen since (bonus points if it’s the parent of somebody you went to high school with). They are always right, and tend to be about as reasonable as a toddler who is being weened off of their pacifier. Usually only come out of the woodwork during an election year, or during national tragedies.
  2. The VagueBooker: There’s ALWAYS something monumentally tragic going on in the VagueBooker’s life, at least, by their own definition. Very rarely does the VagueBooker have something actually tragic occurring, such as a death in the family, loss of a job, illness, etc. the more than likely  scenario is that they have been, at best, temporarily and minorly inconvenienced. The VagueBooker really chaps my ass because they always just post things like “Really going through it right now, send good vibes please” and “Prayers” without any details (I would imagine that’s due to the fact that what they’re usually “going through” can fall into the category of “first world problems”). I get that some things are personal, but if it’s that personal, why are you posting about it on the internet at all? What is the return on my “good vibes” and “prayers” investment? There’s no such thing as a free lunch, you’re going to have to give me some details.
  3. The Oversharer: The Oversharer is the ANTITHESIS of the VagueBooker, but equally as irritating. The Oversharer tends to do things like “check in” at the doctor and find it necessary to let you know their getting a colonoscopy, post statuses like “SO DONE” that are followed up with an over detailed description of a very personal fight they’ve had with their spouse, etc. If the Oversharer in your life has children, you probably (unwillingly) know how many shits said children have taken this week.
  4. The Pedestrian: Has the overwhelming compulsion to post a new status anytime they literally do anything. You know what this person is doing every step of the way, and by noon, you are aware that they have “grabbed coffee” (and where they grabbed it), filled up their tank with gas (and what music they were listening to on the way to the gas station), and arrived at their desk (and, if you’re anything like me, rolled your eyes at their accompanying “on my grind” hashtag). The Pedestrian either doesn’t know Twitter exists, or is older and is overwhelmed by the prospect of taking on another Social Media channel (don’t worry, they’ll probably get one 3 years from now). Fun fact, my mom got a Twitter before I did and I mocked her by saying “Who the f$%& would want a social network that was just a constant stream of Facebook statuses?” the joke was definitely on me.
  5. The Wine Mom: BIG fan of inspirational quotes, puns, and slightly naughty/sassy references to their spouse, kids, and of course, wine. They joke with their friends about things like bringing White Zinfandel (which they probably refer to as “white zin”) to playdates, and love posting pictures of wine with captions like “I drink wine because the doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up!” The wine mom is generally harmless, and much like your actual mother doesn’t really bug you unless she goes off on some sort of preachy tangent.

I guess I just yearn for the days when Facebook was simpler, and I had to create a fake college email as a high school freshman to be able to join. Instead, I’m now living in a time where someone was able to share a post from “Minions Quotes” that was then able to find it’s way int0 my newsfeed (without any sort of trigger warning), and, quite frankly, after that, all I really have to say is, I’ll see you in Hell, Mark  Zuckerberg.