Tag: television

Flashback Friday: The Suspect Wore Louboutins

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If you’ve had even the most minimal of interactions with me, you are probably aware of my affinity and love for all things reality television. When I say reality television, I don’t mean “I enjoy Top Chef and The Amazing Race,” no, I mean “I can recite Teresa Giudice’s entire monologue from the iconic Danielle Staub provoked table flip scene from Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Unfortunately, when your love for trash runs as deeply as mine, you’re often faced with the devastating predicament of the shows you’re so fond of only lasting 1-2 seasons. It happened with MTV’s “Fat Camp,” and then again with Bravo’s “NYC Prep” and “Gallery Girls,” but none of these shows were, for me, gone too soon as E!’s “Pretty Wild.”

The show followed the Neiers sisters, Tess (who is actually adopted, her last name is Taylor), Alexis, Gabby, and their mother Andrea, who in my opinion, was the breakout star of this series’ one magical season. The two older girls are both “pursuing modeling careers” which back in 2010 I rolled my eyes at, but hey, Kendall Jenner is on the cover of the September Issue of VOGUE, so, anything is possible I guess. Gabby honestly wasn’t that memorable,  mostly because she didn’t get in trouble, and the biggest drama surrounding her was her decision to stop being homeschooled and start attending public high school. Yawn.

I feel like it’s important to note that the girl’s mother centered her homeschool curriculum (I use the words “school” and “curriculum” VERY loosely here) around the book, “The Secret.” If you’re unfamiliar, “The Secret” is a self help book (based on a movie, so, you know, completely credible) and the premise is basically that you get back whatever type of “energy” you put into the world. For context, let’s just say if I had to guess, Spencer Pratt was probably super into this book during his “crystals” phase. She also wakes the girls up by screeching “GIRLS! IT’S TIME FOR YOUR ADDERALL!” she’s literally Amy Poehler’s character in ‘Mean Girls’ brought to life.

The drama came to a peak (this is like episode 2-3 by the way) when the LAPD showed up at their house, demanded Andrea “contain her dogs” (aka like 4 unidentifiable toy dogs; this was mid 2000s Los Angeles after all) and asked that the cameras be shut off. We find out later that she was a part of the “Bling Ring” aka the group that stole from Orlando Bloom, Audrina Patridge, and most notably, Paris Hilton. Naturally, Andrea and the other girls act like Alexis has been unjustly detained and spend hours hysterically crying outside the LA County Jail. Eventually Nelson Mandela, I mean, Alexis, is released and they all weep, hug, and have one of their bullshit energy prayer circles or whatever.

Now, let’s get to the most iconic part of the entire series aka the Nancy Jo Sales phone call. Alexis is PUMPED because she’s approached by Nancy Jo about doing an interview about all the Bling Ring legal drama for Vanity Fair. She’s all giddy and excited because (allegedly) Nancy Jo gives off the impression that the article is going to paint Alexis in a positive light, redeem her, show that she was just a victim of falling in with bad friends, blah blah. Spoiler Alert! The article doesn’t even do that a little bit, like nowhere close, literally could not even be interpreted that way. Naturally, the whole fam gathers to confront NJ over the phone,  they get her voicemail, and proceed to make several attempts to leave her a scathing message, but between Alexis’s cry-talking/screaming and Andrea intermittently, randomly yelling “YOU LIED!” into the phone, I’m not sure if they ever succeeded to be honest.

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It wasn’t until Kimberly Noel Kardashian-West exposed Taylor Swift in July 2016 via Snapchat that I’ve been so invested in a piece of investigatory journalism as I was Nancy Jo’s Vanity Fair article. Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be completely over the fact that the show that partially inspired “The Bling Ring” only got one season,  but, I suppose that when you strike reality television gold within the first season, it’s sometimes best to just cash out and go home (or, as the case may be, to Paris Hilton’s house). I’m not completely sure what the Neiers sisters and mother of the century Andre are up to these days, but I imagine that they’re probably in a West Hollywood bar somewhere, talking about how Alexis helped to launch Emma Watson’s career or something equally ridiculous.

A Collaboration Made in Heaven (By That, I Mean, Over Margaritas)

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It was only a matter of time, ya’ll, before I brought in my fellow (and favorite) pop culture human trash can, Ben into this blog. You may remember us from our short lived High School Podcast, “Lil Ben & Sexy Grace” or you may not. Whatever, we’re over it. Anyway, since we’re both bi-coastal butterflies who have busy lives and no cable (#2BrokeGirls) we’re bringing you our VMA-Highlight Recap a week late.

Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams Music Video

B: #JUSTICEFORGAGA #JUSTICEFORARTPOP. Did ya’ll notice every single person in this video was white? “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?” Looking at you, Taylor. Slash, TSwift, get your life together, stop complaining and writing Tumblr posts about Spotify not paying you .35 cents per song. #IWASROOTINGFORYOU #WEWEREALLROOTINGFORYOU #TYRA

G: Taylor strapped me to a giraffe (or the one of the other 234234 rando animals that appeared in this video) and dragged my thirsty, willing ass all the way across the savannah. Tay is definitely my favorite “problematic female fave” (I have a few), but I can’t help but love her. Also, if you’re wondering why white girls/gay men use the word “daddy” so much, refer to Scott Eastwood as an example.

“MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!”

B: #SnottyNoseBoys (?), #MyPastor, #PastorLydia, #Blessed. Nicki, take several seats, ya look foolish. This whole thing feels very VH1/Mount De Sales Academy circa 2007, I’m feeling very attacked right now. @MileyCyrus handled this the way I do most things, you twirl and flip your hair, swish your hips, and move on. Prediction for the VMAs 2018–Nicki licks Miley, who’s dressed as a bald eagle live on stage, while debuting a surprise 2-disc album that comes with a gram of weed, wrapped completely in cotton candy.

G: I can’t hunt down the receipts (#lazy) but there was audience cam footage of Taylor Swift and her #squad during this moment and EVERY SINGLE ONE of those girls leaned forward to look at her as soon as Nicki said “Now back to this bitch..” where’s the loyalty, Bad Blood #squad? I also feel like Katy Perry got REALLY excited for about two seconds. Also, if you see me shouting “MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!” at random strangers, remember, it’s not mental illness, it’s cultural awareness.

Demi Lovato Bringing Out Iggy to Perform 

B: Poor thing couldn’t even get a spot on the main stage, #rude. Demi Lovato is the most underrated Disney artist of our generation, vocals #OnPoint, #OnFleek, #RIPSelena Gomez. Oh Iggy, oh no. Is that even english? When in doubt #grind. In conclusion, only Demi Lovato has the balls to crowd surf on an oversized, inflatable float outdoors in the middle of Downtown Los Angeles.

G: I feel like this was the point in the show Britney Spears threw up her hands (and probably a bag of Cheetos), said “I’m out ya’ll” and flew back to Las Vegas..#BuyPrettyGirlsOnITunes

Justin Bieber’s New Hair

B: Not even close to Ellen DeGeneres on a bad hair day. Look at her though! SO brave! #TearsforJustinBiebersBangs #DonateHere

G: Somewhere, Kate Gosselin threw a bottle of white wine at her TV, and actually screamed “BITCH STOLE MY LOOK!”

MILEYS SURPRISE ALBUM

B: *sing to the tune of “Partition”* DRIVER ROLL UP THE PARTITION PLEASE, I NEED TO LISTEN TO MILEYS NEW ALBUM ON MY IPHONE PLEASE! Girl, really though, Soundcloud? #198-WHO, #BYETAYLOR. If at first you don’t succeed, take a hit of acid, dust yourself off, and try again. #RIPAaliyah #MileyftAaliyah #JUSTICEFORARTPOP

G: A FREE album??!?!?! Has anyone checked on Taylor Swift? Is she alive? *Patiently waits on Taylor’s open letter to Soundcloud* See footage of her typing it below..

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Kanye’s Speech

B: LOL you expect me to watch anyone give a speech over five minutes (excluding any Real Housewives reunion specials)? PS I would totally vote for him as #POTUS

G: #Same. Also still wondering why he dressed Kim like a boiled peanut.

Why Black is the Supreme of the Color Coven

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock since 2013, chances are you’ve heard of American Horror Story: Coven, even if you’ve never actually watched it. Arguably, Coven is the best season of Ryan Murphy’s AHS franchise, but I may be slightly biased because it combines a few of my favorite things, which include, but aren’t limited to, Jessica Lange smoking cigarettes, Jessica Lange drinking, sassy one liners, Jessica Lange rolling her eyes, and the color black.

For those who haven’t seen the show (get on that), here’s a quick rundown. Basically, young witches come into a “Coven” in New Orleans where they are introduced to the concept of a Supreme (aka Queen Jessica Lange). A Supreme is basically the HBIC of the Coven, and each generation a new one surfaces. The Supreme is generally discovered by her ability to perform the “Seven Wonders” which are essentially seven hard as s#$% witch tasks.

Anyone who has known me for any extended period of time knows how deep my love and devotion for the color black runs. It compliments my icy stare perfectly, and the fact that it matches everything means when it comes to putting together an outfit, it requires minimal effort, which I am 110% here for. As I was re-watching Coven last year in preparation to join my own Coven (meaning, I was going to see Fleetwood Mac at Madison Square Garden) I realized that the color Black is the true Supreme, because it totally performs all Seven Wonders. So, because I’m a sucker for slightly dated Pop Culture references, I decided to break it down for you.

Telekinesis (AKA Moving things with Your Mind): In my experience, nothing parts a group of tourists moseying down Broadway on a Saturday faster than a sensible all black getup and a stare that says “Your existence is making it extremely hard to tolerate being alive right now, please move.”

Concilium (AKA Controlling Someone Else’s Mind): The “Little Black Dress” is a thing for a reason. As his holiness Karl Lagerfeld once said, “One is never over-dressed or underdressed with a Little Black Dress.”

Transmutation (AKA Taking Another Form): Personally, when I’m wearing black (as in, 98% of my life) I’m able to feel more like Posh Spice, instead of like the sixth Spice Girl I usually feel like, someone who I’ve named, “Eleven Secret Herbs and Spice.” (For the record, yes, that was a KFC reference, don’t look at me).

Pyrokinesis (AKA Controlling Fire with Your Mind): See 3:05 in Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” music video.

Descensum (AKA Road Tripping to Your Personal Hell and Back): I perform this task every day when I take the 6 Train to and from work, but nothing makes me feel more protected from the woman across from me peeing her pants (yep, that happened) than being cloaked in licorice colored clothing.

Vitalum Vitalis (AKA Draining Your Life Force to Save Someone Else): Black keeps me honest, in the sense that while I’m wearing it, I find it easier to say things like “Put down that neon tote that says “Eat Cake for Breakfast” and walk away slowly” instead of “OMG that’s so totally you, you better buy it!”

Divination (AKA Seeing the Future): Anything worth buying is also worth buying in black, because no matter how many Pantone colors of the year come and go, black will always be in style.

Maybe these rambling comparisons only made sense to me, but black is near and dear to my heart, and no, not just because they’re the same color. To sum it all up, I’ll leave you with a quote that launched a thousand memes: “I’ll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.”