Tag: music

What Happened to My Wig? Melodrama Happened.

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My hiatus from this blog has been long, and I’d apologize if I thought anyone gave even one iota of what the kids call, “a shit.” I could give a whole laundry list of excuses as to why, but really, at the end of the day, it really just boils down to the broad umbrella of “adulthood.” So, what could’ve possibly had the power to draw me out of hiatus? Lorde’s sophomore album, Melodrama, that’s what.

I don’t think I’ll quite every to be able to “fully process” the absolute wigging, I mean the actual SNATCHING of my hair straight down to the follicles that Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor (nope, you didn’t just have a stroke, that’s her full name!) aka Lorde aka supreme of the pop girl coven aka the alt queen aka a young, brunette Stevie Nicks delivered to me via Melodrama, but, there isn’t any time like the present to give the track by track breakdown of this album that exactly nobody asked for, so, *cracks knuckles,* let’s get into it, shall we?

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  1. Green Light- An absolute BOP. It’s one of those songs that when I’m elderly and slightly tipsy at a cookout, will start to play and I’ll stand my arthritic ass up as I look at my grandchildren and start to do some terribly caucasian geriatric dance and say “now what ya’ll know about this?! Ya’ll don’t know nothing about this!”
  2. Sober- The beginning of this song serves up some dim-lit bad college poetry reading bongo drum vibes, but then, out of nowhere, some sort of animal and/or Jack Antonoff starts screeching at me and all of the sudden I’m all “OKAY LORDE! QUEEN OF THE WEEKEND AND NOT BEING SOBER F&*$ IT UP SIS!” And that change in the beat at 2:35? I’m sorry, I think I just legitimately went bald. Conclusion? I’ll sway/go astray with Lorde straight to hell, run and tell THAT!
  3. Homemade Dynamite- When I say that I dropped it so low when the beat came in as she said “So let’s let things come out of the woodwork” I actually mean that my flat, white ass was on the floor convulsing and simultaneously googling how to make explosives (not really, calm your tits, NSA). A fun fact, “I’ll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies” is what I say to my co-workers on Thursday nights when I’m trying to convince them I won’t be coming into the office hungover the next day.
  4. The Louvre-*does whatever broadcasting the boom boom boom boom is while simultaneously dancing/weeping*
  5. Liability-Gay. This song is completely gay. This song is so gay that Mike Pence wants to send it to conversion therapy. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. How is Lorde going to go home to the arms of the girl that she loves if that girl is her own damn self? Are her arms the length of octopus tentacles? Next heterosexual, nonsensical excuse, Ella.
  6. Hard Feelings/Loveless-Lorde clearly has been following me around/wire tapped my phones/put cameras in my house because there isn’t any other plausible explanation for how ~*relatable*~ this song is in terms of every emotion I’ve ever felt/will feel about certain exes.
  7. Sober II (Melodrama)-Starts off as a nice AHS: Coven style lullaby of sorts, ends with me wanting to go out and HEAUX around. Iconic.
  8. Writer in the Dark-Lorde essentially threatens to completely END a man using nothing but her talents, but also manages to be somewhat both condescending and patronizing. There are not adequate words to describe how 1000% HERE I am for this entire scenario.
  9. Supercut-*see thoughts on Hard Feelings/Loveless*
  10. Liability (Reprise)-This song is so gay there’s a few places in the midwest that won’t even serve it pizza (Reprise).
  11. Perfect Places-Song of the summer. Song of the year. Song of the millennium. Everyone else can go home and stay there.

In conclusion, I hope that anyone who hasn’t yet given this future Album of the Year Grammy snatching masterpiece a listen, does so immediately. You’ll dance, you’ll cry, you’ll want to run off to New Zealand and petition for Lorde to legally adopt you. No on that last bit? That’s just me? I’m okay with that.

The Salvation That The World Ignored..

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Don’t worry, the title of this post is definitely not indicative of me writing about anything remotely serious, but make no mistake that what I’m writing about is very important. On June 24, 2015 the Savior of Pop Music, and Canada’s greatest gift to mankind, Carlegendary Slay Jepsaint, known more commonly as Carly Rae Jepsen released her third studio album “E*Mo*Tion.” It was the album that pop music needed, but almost immediately it became clear that it was in no way deserved. Instead of getting behind this 15 track pop tour de force, the world instead allowed people like pastel colored queen of white nonsense Mastodon Trainwreck, known more commonly as Meghan Trainor to slither up the charts. Unforgivable. I, however, won’t continue to stay silent, so naturally, I’m providing you, my (two) readers (Sup? Mom and Dad) with a breakdown/review of my top 4 tracks on this masterpiece.

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  1. Run Away With Me: There has not been a dramatic song intro so critical and culturally relevant since the Zulu chant that preceded “The Circle of Life” at the beginning of The Lion King. If the iconic horns at the beginning of this song don’t make the hair of the back of your neck stand up, you’re either hairless, or deaf. 1000/10 would die for this bop.
  2. E*MO*TION: This song is some type of power b$%&@ anthem. She opens the first verse with “be tormented by me babe” and then commands the (I can only assume) weak man she’s singing to/about to “drink tequila for me babe.” Like OKAY sis! Torment his ass! Haze him with cheap tequila shots! This song is essentially about tricking a man into becoming emotionally vulnerable through torment and liquor, then making him talk about his feelings. Legendary.
  3. Let’s Get Lost: YASSSSS HONEY! LET’S GET LOST! F@#& GOOGLE MAPS! QUEEN OF THE LONG WAY HOME! When the beat dropped in this song I was immediately cleansed of sin, my crops provided a plentiful harvest, and my student loans were paid off in their entirety.*
  4. LA Hallucinations: Honestly there isn’t a song lyric I have found more profound or iconic than “BuzzFeed buzzards and TMZ crows..” Queen of words, metaphors, and imagery.

As IF the gift of this underrated magnum opus wasn’t enough, to celebrate it’s 1 year anniversary, her holiness Carly Rae blessed us with Side B of “E*Mo*Tion” as well. I don’t think I’ll ever quite fully recover from the injustice that is the world widely ignoring what could’ve been the savior of pop music in favor of songs from the human equivalent of stale cotton candy (again, Meghan Trainor) and Charlie Puth’s weird, half shaved, tragic eyebrow. Now, go atone for your sins and #BuyEmotionOniTunes.

*a slight exaggeration

A Collaboration Made in Heaven (By That, I Mean, Over Margaritas)

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It was only a matter of time, ya’ll, before I brought in my fellow (and favorite) pop culture human trash can, Ben into this blog. You may remember us from our short lived High School Podcast, “Lil Ben & Sexy Grace” or you may not. Whatever, we’re over it. Anyway, since we’re both bi-coastal butterflies who have busy lives and no cable (#2BrokeGirls) we’re bringing you our VMA-Highlight Recap a week late.

Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams Music Video

B: #JUSTICEFORGAGA #JUSTICEFORARTPOP. Did ya’ll notice every single person in this video was white? “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?” Looking at you, Taylor. Slash, TSwift, get your life together, stop complaining and writing Tumblr posts about Spotify not paying you .35 cents per song. #IWASROOTINGFORYOU #WEWEREALLROOTINGFORYOU #TYRA

G: Taylor strapped me to a giraffe (or the one of the other 234234 rando animals that appeared in this video) and dragged my thirsty, willing ass all the way across the savannah. Tay is definitely my favorite “problematic female fave” (I have a few), but I can’t help but love her. Also, if you’re wondering why white girls/gay men use the word “daddy” so much, refer to Scott Eastwood as an example.

“MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!”

B: #SnottyNoseBoys (?), #MyPastor, #PastorLydia, #Blessed. Nicki, take several seats, ya look foolish. This whole thing feels very VH1/Mount De Sales Academy circa 2007, I’m feeling very attacked right now. @MileyCyrus handled this the way I do most things, you twirl and flip your hair, swish your hips, and move on. Prediction for the VMAs 2018–Nicki licks Miley, who’s dressed as a bald eagle live on stage, while debuting a surprise 2-disc album that comes with a gram of weed, wrapped completely in cotton candy.

G: I can’t hunt down the receipts (#lazy) but there was audience cam footage of Taylor Swift and her #squad during this moment and EVERY SINGLE ONE of those girls leaned forward to look at her as soon as Nicki said “Now back to this bitch..” where’s the loyalty, Bad Blood #squad? I also feel like Katy Perry got REALLY excited for about two seconds. Also, if you see me shouting “MILEY WHAT’S GOOD?!” at random strangers, remember, it’s not mental illness, it’s cultural awareness.

Demi Lovato Bringing Out Iggy to Perform 

B: Poor thing couldn’t even get a spot on the main stage, #rude. Demi Lovato is the most underrated Disney artist of our generation, vocals #OnPoint, #OnFleek, #RIPSelena Gomez. Oh Iggy, oh no. Is that even english? When in doubt #grind. In conclusion, only Demi Lovato has the balls to crowd surf on an oversized, inflatable float outdoors in the middle of Downtown Los Angeles.

G: I feel like this was the point in the show Britney Spears threw up her hands (and probably a bag of Cheetos), said “I’m out ya’ll” and flew back to Las Vegas..#BuyPrettyGirlsOnITunes

Justin Bieber’s New Hair

B: Not even close to Ellen DeGeneres on a bad hair day. Look at her though! SO brave! #TearsforJustinBiebersBangs #DonateHere

G: Somewhere, Kate Gosselin threw a bottle of white wine at her TV, and actually screamed “BITCH STOLE MY LOOK!”

MILEYS SURPRISE ALBUM

B: *sing to the tune of “Partition”* DRIVER ROLL UP THE PARTITION PLEASE, I NEED TO LISTEN TO MILEYS NEW ALBUM ON MY IPHONE PLEASE! Girl, really though, Soundcloud? #198-WHO, #BYETAYLOR. If at first you don’t succeed, take a hit of acid, dust yourself off, and try again. #RIPAaliyah #MileyftAaliyah #JUSTICEFORARTPOP

G: A FREE album??!?!?! Has anyone checked on Taylor Swift? Is she alive? *Patiently waits on Taylor’s open letter to Soundcloud* See footage of her typing it below..

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Kanye’s Speech

B: LOL you expect me to watch anyone give a speech over five minutes (excluding any Real Housewives reunion specials)? PS I would totally vote for him as #POTUS

G: #Same. Also still wondering why he dressed Kim like a boiled peanut.