Category: television

Can Life Ever Be Simple Again?

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I know that my absence from this blog since mid-October has probably been really tough on all six of you (I’m probably being a bit generous numbers wise here) that check this dumpster fire of a website in any sort of even semi frequent fashion, but, I’m back. If we’re being completely honest, I haven’t really been in the mood to write since the election, you know, the day that America decided that the (grossly unqualified) human equivalent of the result of me cleaning out my hairbrush with Cheeto dust covered fingers was better fit to be President than someone, who, though imperfect, had some grasp on what the job entails, (and the self control not to Tweet like I used to when I was drinking a lot in college).

In my humble, non political opinion (aka don’t give me shit for this on Facebook, I don’t have the energy to argue with anyone who wants me to give people like Stephen Bannon aka what a hangover would look like if it was a white supremacist, a “chance”), America hasn’t seen division like this since 2005, a division that caused a Von Dutch trucker hat shaped wound that, for some, like myself, hasn’t ever really healed. In case you were wondering, yes, I am in fact referring to the feud between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. To summarize, at the premiere of her movie “House of Wax” Paris said that she and Nicole weren’t friends anymore, they never would be, and she wouldn’t comment further. Of course she did, even going as far as to write a song about Nicole (“Jealousy”) and put it on her album. Essentially, Paris accused Nicole of being jealous of her being more famous, which subsequently lead to them feuding, which gave birth to one of my top three favorite Hollywood rumors of all time, which was that on the night Paris hosted Saturday Night Live, Nicole gathered friends at her home and instead of playing them Paris’s SNL episode, Nicole played Paris’s sex tape, “One Night in Paris.”

Eventually, the two girls “mended” their relationship, but never really were quite as close again. As the years passed, the differences between the two became even more blatant, and the reality television dream team that had once changed a Sonic Drive In sign to say “1/2 Price Anal Salty Weiner Burgers” was no more. The painful divide becomes even more apparent when you take a look at the stark differences between Paris and Nicole’s Instagram accounts these days (thanks for the tip Stuart). On one hand we have Paris, who is enjoying her current tour as a DJ in various nightclubs around the world, and on the other we have Nicole who looks more like a Brooklyn mom who makes her own soaps and doesn’t vaccinate her kids.

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Why does this sound familiar? A great divide between two famous former friends, one, a fan of all things gold plated, and the other, who it’s not very difficult to visualize wandering the wooded hiking trails near Chappaqua, presumably looking for a f&%$ to give. Obviously I’m not comparing a silly feud between two reality stars to the current political reality our country is facing, after all, reality television has no place within our political system, right? Oh, but wait, I’m forgetting this is 2016, a year that took Prince, Bowie, and one that possessed people to write in the name of a dead gorilla on their ballots during the Presidential election.

Is this the path our country is going to take? Will we continue to remain so starkly divided? With an overwhelming (if you’re getting your election figures from someone like walking, real life goblin, Ann Coulter) number of people seeming to have such a hard on for all things Midas themed and spray tanned that they’re all able to conveniently forget what the kids call “all the super shameful, shady, and racist shit” that has gone on, and the rest of us scratching our heads and wondering what the actual hell is happening, I can’t really say. I can only hope that one day, unlike Paris and Nicole, we’ll all be able to sit down together, and enjoy a bounty of 1/2 Price Salty Anal Weiner Burgers from Sonic together, just as our founding fathers (aka Lionel Richie and Richard Hiton) intended.

Flashback Friday: The Suspect Wore Louboutins

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If you’ve had even the most minimal of interactions with me, you are probably aware of my affinity and love for all things reality television. When I say reality television, I don’t mean “I enjoy Top Chef and The Amazing Race,” no, I mean “I can recite Teresa Giudice’s entire monologue from the iconic Danielle Staub provoked table flip scene from Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Unfortunately, when your love for trash runs as deeply as mine, you’re often faced with the devastating predicament of the shows you’re so fond of only lasting 1-2 seasons. It happened with MTV’s “Fat Camp,” and then again with Bravo’s “NYC Prep” and “Gallery Girls,” but none of these shows were, for me, gone too soon as E!’s “Pretty Wild.”

The show followed the Neiers sisters, Tess (who is actually adopted, her last name is Taylor), Alexis, Gabby, and their mother Andrea, who in my opinion, was the breakout star of this series’ one magical season. The two older girls are both “pursuing modeling careers” which back in 2010 I rolled my eyes at, but hey, Kendall Jenner is on the cover of the September Issue of VOGUE, so, anything is possible I guess. Gabby honestly wasn’t that memorable,  mostly because she didn’t get in trouble, and the biggest drama surrounding her was her decision to stop being homeschooled and start attending public high school. Yawn.

I feel like it’s important to note that the girl’s mother centered her homeschool curriculum (I use the words “school” and “curriculum” VERY loosely here) around the book, “The Secret.” If you’re unfamiliar, “The Secret” is a self help book (based on a movie, so, you know, completely credible) and the premise is basically that you get back whatever type of “energy” you put into the world. For context, let’s just say if I had to guess, Spencer Pratt was probably super into this book during his “crystals” phase. She also wakes the girls up by screeching “GIRLS! IT’S TIME FOR YOUR ADDERALL!” she’s literally Amy Poehler’s character in ‘Mean Girls’ brought to life.

The drama came to a peak (this is like episode 2-3 by the way) when the LAPD showed up at their house, demanded Andrea “contain her dogs” (aka like 4 unidentifiable toy dogs; this was mid 2000s Los Angeles after all) and asked that the cameras be shut off. We find out later that she was a part of the “Bling Ring” aka the group that stole from Orlando Bloom, Audrina Patridge, and most notably, Paris Hilton. Naturally, Andrea and the other girls act like Alexis has been unjustly detained and spend hours hysterically crying outside the LA County Jail. Eventually Nelson Mandela, I mean, Alexis, is released and they all weep, hug, and have one of their bullshit energy prayer circles or whatever.

Now, let’s get to the most iconic part of the entire series aka the Nancy Jo Sales phone call. Alexis is PUMPED because she’s approached by Nancy Jo about doing an interview about all the Bling Ring legal drama for Vanity Fair. She’s all giddy and excited because (allegedly) Nancy Jo gives off the impression that the article is going to paint Alexis in a positive light, redeem her, show that she was just a victim of falling in with bad friends, blah blah. Spoiler Alert! The article doesn’t even do that a little bit, like nowhere close, literally could not even be interpreted that way. Naturally, the whole fam gathers to confront NJ over the phone,  they get her voicemail, and proceed to make several attempts to leave her a scathing message, but between Alexis’s cry-talking/screaming and Andrea intermittently, randomly yelling “YOU LIED!” into the phone, I’m not sure if they ever succeeded to be honest.

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It wasn’t until Kimberly Noel Kardashian-West exposed Taylor Swift in July 2016 via Snapchat that I’ve been so invested in a piece of investigatory journalism as I was Nancy Jo’s Vanity Fair article. Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be completely over the fact that the show that partially inspired “The Bling Ring” only got one season,  but, I suppose that when you strike reality television gold within the first season, it’s sometimes best to just cash out and go home (or, as the case may be, to Paris Hilton’s house). I’m not completely sure what the Neiers sisters and mother of the century Andre are up to these days, but I imagine that they’re probably in a West Hollywood bar somewhere, talking about how Alexis helped to launch Emma Watson’s career or something equally ridiculous.

Oops!…I Did It Again

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Before the one person that actually checks to see if I’ve updated this blog (Hi Mom!) tries to come for my wig over the lack of posting, let me plead my case, as there are several legitimate (at least in my eyes) reasons why I stopped writing here. (Sadly, none of them involve fulfilling my lifelong dream of becoming a C-List celebrity that has been hospitalized for “exhaustion” and/or “personal issues”).

  1. Work. Can you believe that actually performing well at work requires time and effort? The tiny entitled, insufferable Millenial that lives inside me finds this astoundingly disrespectful and rude, but real life me mostly finds it exhausting. Honestly, once my day is over I have little energy to do much more than order Seamless and watch half a Law and Order: SVU episode before passing out face down in whatever packaging my food came wrapped in.
  2. On April 23, 2016, Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter Dropped Her Visual Album “Lemonade.” No explanation necessary, as I can only assume that everyone else reading this was also left as bald headed/temporarily robbed of their fine motor skills as I was.
  3. Calvin Harris blocked me on Twitter, so I obviously had to find time to adjust to my status as a professional A-List Celebrity Shit Poster. Following the release of the totally organic not at all staged photos of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston canoodling on a Rhode Island beach (which somehow managed to look more like photos of a man taking his aging nana to the shore than anything romantic) a mere 2 weeks after her breakup with Calvin, I tweeted the World’s Highest Paid DJ the following..Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 2.24.27 PMScreen Shot 2016-07-16 at 2.24.15 PM Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 2.32.41 PM
  4. I HAD AN IDENTITY CRISIS OKAY?! 

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For awhile I ignored this blog because I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to write about, and while I totally recognize that this blog was always destined to be a bit of a clusterf%#$ I still wanted to have some sort of consistency theme wise. Now that I have that a bit more narrowed down, I’ll be having you all saying “WTF? Why is Grace like this?!” a lot more often..

So, in conclusion, I will be more consistent with posting about the things I’m truly passionate about (ie: commenting on CeLeBriTy dRaMa, reality television, early/mid-2000’s pop culture, and bitching about all the weird things that annoy me). I promise, and not in a “Scott Disick promising for the millionth time he’s going to sober up” kind of way, but like, actually.

Hello, It’s Me..

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It’s been awhile since I’ve had the time to even really think much about this blog (literally though, I had to reset my password just now..). My real life job got really busy, plus Adele’s new album came out, which rendered me pretty much emotionally crippled and non functional for a few weeks, so, you understand.

I could catch you up on everything that has happened in my life since the VMAs, but that would put all of us, including me, to sleep (and I took an Adderall this morning so that’s saying something) so instead I’m gonna go ahead and fill you in on the most important things that have happened since I last abused the internet with my non-sensical ramblings.

The Love of my Life, the Paris to my Nicole, Benjamin came to New York for a visit..

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All you really need to know about this reunion is that our first stop was the DASH Store in SoHo to purchase matching beanies. We then proceeded to walk to Benny’s Burritos in the West Village while shouting “DASH DOLL REALNESS” at people on the street. The rest of that day was spent throwing shade, and reminiscing about simpler times, like the night we refer to as our “Ke$ha Night” where we concluded an evening puking bright pink vomit, thanks to the high class bottle of Peach flavored Andre Champagne we had consumed a few hours before. Aaaah, youth*

Basically the next few days were spent doing pretty much some sort of variation of that day’s activities. That is until Monday, which was Ben’s last night in town. Anyone who knows me (us) knows I (we) am (are) a total slut for any and all of the Real Housewives franchises, but Atlanta holds a special (ie: ratchet) place in my heart. Maybe it’s because I also grew up in the peach state, or maybe I just really appreciate some good old fashioned wig snatching, shade throwing, and tea spilling, either way I am an absolute hoe for RHOA.

So, most of these ladies, in addition to their “work” on the show, have other “business” ventures. You have such entrepreneurial endeavors as “She by Sheree” and Kandi’s music career (rip). Then you have NeNe Leakes, who you may remember from the iconic moment in history when she referred to Kim Zolciak-Biermann simply as “wig.” What is NeNe doing with her time these days you ask? Oh, you know, casually joining the cast of “Chicago” as Matron “Mama” Morton. So, what do two cultured divas do with a free Monday night in Manhattan? They obviously buy (overpriced) tickets, and pre game at a Blockheads down the street.

Let me just hit you with a few highlights from that evening..

  • NeNe’s “When You’re Good to Mama” performance. Ya’ll I kid you not when I say I was brought to life by this performance, not because there was any real vocal talent involved, but mostly because I can clearly picture NeNe singing it to Greg in real life after he brings her a frozen daiquri poolside. Also a fun fact, I literally screamed “YASSS MISS LEAKES SNATCH MY DAMN WIG!” at the end of the performance.
  • NeNe looking bored the rest of the show, and her reactions to things other cast members were doing. I want a set of emojis entirely made from her facial expressions during Chicago, and then I want said set of emojis tattooed on me, that’s how priceless they were.
  • I am pretty sure the cast in it’s entirety was wasted, messy boots ya’ll, believe you me. Luckily, the people in the audience who had come to see an actual Broadway musical were all European tourists who didn’t know WTF was happening anyway, and Ben and I literally only came to see NeNe, so, it all worked out.

Flash forward to after the show, I hustled my ass to that stage door faster than I have done just about anything in my entire 25 years on the planet earth. My program was ready to be signed, my phone was ready to take selfies, my wig was ready to be snatched. So, NeNe comes out, and I #expose myself the minute she walks up to me, nervously (shouting) “I was the bitch that screamed ‘Yasss Miss Leakes snatch my damn wig!’ at the end of ‘When You’re Good to Mama..” She gives me her best “this white bitch” face and says “You tweeted that at me to, didn’t ya?” RIP me.

12301649_10205311815091125_7002576338040755576_n.jpgA fun fact about this #iconic photograph we took is that I am actually planning on having it commissioned as an oil painting at some point to hang in my home. After all, can you really describe it as anything but modern art? No, I didn’t think so. 

So there you have it, the most exciting thing to happen to me in 2015 (and maybe forever, I hear you get pretty attached to a baby if you have one, and apparently getting married is pretty cool, but I can promise it’ll at least be in the top 5 for the rest of my life). Also, I promise to update this bad boy more often, if I ever go radio silent again, go ahead an assume that I’ve fulfilled my dream of becoming a B-list celebrity, and I’m being hospitalized for “exhaustion” and/or “personal issues.”

*low standards and even lower budgets

Why Black is the Supreme of the Color Coven

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock since 2013, chances are you’ve heard of American Horror Story: Coven, even if you’ve never actually watched it. Arguably, Coven is the best season of Ryan Murphy’s AHS franchise, but I may be slightly biased because it combines a few of my favorite things, which include, but aren’t limited to, Jessica Lange smoking cigarettes, Jessica Lange drinking, sassy one liners, Jessica Lange rolling her eyes, and the color black.

For those who haven’t seen the show (get on that), here’s a quick rundown. Basically, young witches come into a “Coven” in New Orleans where they are introduced to the concept of a Supreme (aka Queen Jessica Lange). A Supreme is basically the HBIC of the Coven, and each generation a new one surfaces. The Supreme is generally discovered by her ability to perform the “Seven Wonders” which are essentially seven hard as s#$% witch tasks.

Anyone who has known me for any extended period of time knows how deep my love and devotion for the color black runs. It compliments my icy stare perfectly, and the fact that it matches everything means when it comes to putting together an outfit, it requires minimal effort, which I am 110% here for. As I was re-watching Coven last year in preparation to join my own Coven (meaning, I was going to see Fleetwood Mac at Madison Square Garden) I realized that the color Black is the true Supreme, because it totally performs all Seven Wonders. So, because I’m a sucker for slightly dated Pop Culture references, I decided to break it down for you.

Telekinesis (AKA Moving things with Your Mind): In my experience, nothing parts a group of tourists moseying down Broadway on a Saturday faster than a sensible all black getup and a stare that says “Your existence is making it extremely hard to tolerate being alive right now, please move.”

Concilium (AKA Controlling Someone Else’s Mind): The “Little Black Dress” is a thing for a reason. As his holiness Karl Lagerfeld once said, “One is never over-dressed or underdressed with a Little Black Dress.”

Transmutation (AKA Taking Another Form): Personally, when I’m wearing black (as in, 98% of my life) I’m able to feel more like Posh Spice, instead of like the sixth Spice Girl I usually feel like, someone who I’ve named, “Eleven Secret Herbs and Spice.” (For the record, yes, that was a KFC reference, don’t look at me).

Pyrokinesis (AKA Controlling Fire with Your Mind): See 3:05 in Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” music video.

Descensum (AKA Road Tripping to Your Personal Hell and Back): I perform this task every day when I take the 6 Train to and from work, but nothing makes me feel more protected from the woman across from me peeing her pants (yep, that happened) than being cloaked in licorice colored clothing.

Vitalum Vitalis (AKA Draining Your Life Force to Save Someone Else): Black keeps me honest, in the sense that while I’m wearing it, I find it easier to say things like “Put down that neon tote that says “Eat Cake for Breakfast” and walk away slowly” instead of “OMG that’s so totally you, you better buy it!”

Divination (AKA Seeing the Future): Anything worth buying is also worth buying in black, because no matter how many Pantone colors of the year come and go, black will always be in style.

Maybe these rambling comparisons only made sense to me, but black is near and dear to my heart, and no, not just because they’re the same color. To sum it all up, I’ll leave you with a quote that launched a thousand memes: “I’ll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.”