It should come as a surprise to absolutely nobody that kitschy marketing campaigns really aren’t my thing, I have exactly zero patience for them, and quite honestly, I am only capable of showing actual, human emotion about things that involve animals. That being said, recently J.Crew launched a marketing campaign called “Do You Speak J.Crew?” in which they essentially have revealed that they have an in house library (because, of course they do) where they comb through books to come up with the names for colors such as “Casablanca” “Antique Navy” and “Blue Whale.” Honestly, while this type of thing would normally make me audibly groan (okay, so maybe it did) I wouldn’t be able to maintain the “middle aged suburban soccer mom” aesthetic that I’ve worked so hard to build over the years without J.Crew. I also really like Jenna Lyons, and given the rough past few years the brand has had, I worry about what would happen to Jenna should the House of Crew fold. Although, I personally think she could make a killing in Ruth Bader Ginsburg look alike contests, or maybe land a role as a young Notorious RBG in the inevitable upcoming bio pic about her life. Don’t believe me? Seriously, see the below picture. Anyway, moving on.

I get what J.Crew is trying to do here, however, personally I think they could’ve come up with color names that are more “on brand” and show that they really do know their target audience, so I took the liberty of compiling a list of suggestions.

• “Nullified Pre Nup Purple”
• “Gin & Tonic Lime(s) Green”
• “Adderall Blue”
• “Temporary Restraining Order Tweed”
• “Hospitalized for ‘Personal Issues’ Houndstooth”
• “Trust Fund Teal”
• “Privileged White”
• “Worse Case Scenario Wisteria”
• “Emergency Xanax Ecru”
• “Second Husband Slate Grey”
• “Functional Alcoholic Fuchsia”
• “I Told Him I Was On Birth Control Indigo”
• “Curated Instagram  Coral”
• “Delusions of Grandeur Denim”
• “New York Times Wedding Announcement Navy”

I’ll admit that I do feel like somewhat of a self deprecating hypocrite to be writing a post like this, mocking one of my wardrobe mainstays at this exact moment considering I’m currently wearing a Ralph Lauren button down, an Ann Taylor sweater that has rabbits all over it, grey J.Crew pixie pants, and a pair of Topsiders that desperately need replacing*, but, like I said, my personal brand aesthetic is very much centered around being the type of woman you see at a kid’s soccer game and say “Is there whiskey in that Dunkin Donuts coffee cup? There’s definitely probably whiskey in that Dunkin Donuts coffee cup” (don’t worry mom, there’s not). No shade intended (-ish). Call me Jenna!

*No, you’re not reading my birth date wrong, I am actually 26 years old.